Silly Joke Thread

[Fish]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can\'t take that chance."

Fish

[Fish]

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. \'It\'s very brave of you to come out here,\' says Matthew. \'Please tell the audience what happened?\'

\'Well\' replies Simon \'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident.

Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.\' \'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn\'t save my legs.\'

\'That\'s terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? \'asks Matthew.

\'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.

I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: \'That\'s an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?\'

Scroll down...

Keep going this is great....

It\'s worth it honest.....




\'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle\'

[dwarfslapper]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
 
>>beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives
the
Rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks
the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
>>
>>The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the
rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives
the rabbit
The pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
>>
>>The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A
pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is
hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then
burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
>>
>>The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
Been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
More money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit
and
says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman",
>>
>>smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says,
"I\'m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham
And Cheese Toasties".
>>
>>The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
When the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very
Nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and
says,
"Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear
Shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think
that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you\'ll love it".
"Ok" says the rabbit,"I\'ll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie".
>>The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles
The toastie,he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
>>
>>....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
>>
>>One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
Has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When
he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating
above the bar. The barman says,
>>
>>"Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit
That used to frequent your public house".
>>
>>The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come
In every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses
came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I
know".
>>
>>The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn\'t have any
Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The
rabbit
Said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You
Never came back, what happened?"
>>
>>"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
>>
>>"NO!" said the barman, "what from".
>>
>>After a short pause. The rabbit said...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Wait for it............................................
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Its good.......................................
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>"Mixin\'-me-toasties".

[Rixio]

A Blonde Goes to the Library?

  Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

[Rixio]

Sobriety Test  
 
  A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can\'t do that. If I do that, I\'ll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let\'s go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can\'t do that. I\'m a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let\'s go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can\'t do that. I\'m a hemophiliac and I\'ll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can\'t do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I\'m drunk."  


Rixio:Thumbs-up

[Ianmcurtis]

MRC DISCLAIMER - THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE CAMPERS!!! LOL.

John: Hey Steve, I have two questions.

Steve: Yeh, what?

John: OK. Say you went camping with some friends, got really p*ssed and passed out in your tent. In the middle of the night you wake up and realise there\'s some vaseline around your sore arse. You look over, and on the other side of your tent you see one of your friends, sound asleep. Do you tell anyone?

Steve: That\'s disgusting. But no, I\'d be too embarassed to tell anyone.

John: Wanna go camping?

[andysmee]

You can\'t make this stuff up...

[Ada7]

Some funny comic strips :D

Adam

[Bobbit]

Ada7 those are great, LOL

[Glenn Butcher]

This made me laugh:

The following questions about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Web site and the answers are the actual responses by the site webmaster, who obviously has a typical Australian sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA but not Virginia )
A: Depends how much you\'ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it\'s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it\'s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Harvey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA but still not Virginia)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.. oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA ... whatever...)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we\'ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys\' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It\'s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It\'s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don\'t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you\'ll have to learn it first

[Clarky]

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, “ Dad how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father surprised answers well son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties. A woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty they are like onions. Onions? Yes, see them and they make you cry.
This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said “mum, how many kinds of penises are there, well dear a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties. His penis is like an oak tree mighty and hard, in his thirties and, its like a birch tree flexible but reliable. Forties
After fifty, its like a Christmas tree, a  Christmas tree?.

Yes dear dead from the root up, and the balls are there for decoration only!

[Ianmcurtis]

^^^ :rollin :Thumbs-up    I thought I\'d use a festive smilie early given the ending of the joke :Santa

Nice one.

[NurburgRob]

Journalists recently asked Paul McCartney after his marriage split if he\'d ever go down on one knee again?

He said, I\'d prefer it if you called her Heather

[MAZDASPEEDTIM]

Q:  What do you get if you invite 50 politicians and 50 lesbians to a party?
A:  A room full of people that dont do d1ck!!!

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What\'s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What\'s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What\'s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What\'s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how Australians practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X\'s on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it\'s worth it.

Q What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A For traction in the mud.

Q: What\'s the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It\'s not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What\'s the difference between a girl friend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What\'s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don\'t have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don\'t have balls to scratch

[peterwolds]

knock at the door this morning,looked through the window to see a muslim woman stood there in total outfit with veil.
didnt open the door talked to her through the letterbox to see how she liked it