Silly Joke Thread

[Ianmcurtis]

A group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.



The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your wages on accessories.

[OLSKOOLROTAR]

The Tong Master


Griff was at the barbecue and Joel was at the barbecue and I was at the barbecue; three men standing around a barbecue, sipping beer, staring at sausages, rolling them backwards and forwards, never leaving them alone. We didn\'t know why we were at the barbecue; we were just drawn there like moths to a flame. The barbecue was a powerful gravitational force, a man-magnet. Joel said the thin ones could use a turn, I said yeah I reckon the thin ones could use a turn, Griff said yeah they really need a turn it was a unanimous turning decision. Griff was the Tong-Master, a true artist, he gave a couple of practice snaps of his long silver tongs, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of his wrist, rolling them onto their little backs. A lesser tong-man would\'ve flicked too hard; the sausages would\'ve gone full circle, back to where they started. Nice, I said. The others went yeah.

Kevin was passing us, he heard the siren-song-sizzle of the snags, the barbecue was calling, beckoning, Kevinnnnn...come. He stuck his head in and said any room? We said yeah and began the barbecue shuffle; Griff shuffled to the left, Joel shuffled to the left, I shuffled to the left, Kevin slipped in beside me, we sipped our beer. Now there were four of us staring at sausages, and Griff gave me the nod, my cue. I was second-in-command, and I had to take the raw sausages out of the plastic bag and lay them on the barbecue; not too close together, not too far apart, curl them into each other\'s bodies like lovers -fat ones, thin ones, herbed and continental. The chipolatas were tiny, they could easily slip down between the grill, falling into the molten hot-bead-netherworld below. Carefully I laid them sideways ACROSS the grill, clever thinking. Griff snapped his tongs with approval; there was no greater barbecue honour.

P.J. came along, he said looking good, looking good -the irresistible lure of the barbecue had pulled him in too. We said yeah and did the shuffle, left, left, left, left, he slipped in beside Kevin, we sipped our beer. Five men, lots of sausages. Joel was the Fork-pronger; he had the fork that pronged the tough hides of the Bavarian bratwursts and he showed a lot of promise. Stabbing away eagerly, leaving perfect little vampire holes up and down the casing. P.J. was shaking his head; he said I reckon they cook better if you don\'t poke them. There was along silence, you could have heard a chipolata drop, and this newcomer was a rabble-rouser, bringing in his crazy ideas from outside. He didn\'t understand the hierarchy; first the Tong-master, then the Sausage-layer, then the Fork-pronger -and everyone below was just a watcher. Maybe eventually they\'ll move up the ladder, but for now - don\'t rock the Weber.

Dianne popped her head in; hmmm, smells good, she said. She was trying to jostle into the circle; we closed ranks, pulling our heads down and our shoulders in, mumbling yeah yeah yeah, but making no room for her. She was keen, going round to the far side of the barbecue, heading for the only available space . . . the gap in the circle where all the smoke and ashes blew. Nobody could survive the gap; Dianne was going to try. She stood there stubbornly, smoke blinding her eyes, ashes filling her nostrils, sausage fat spattering all over her arms and face. Until she couldn\'t take it anymore, she gave up, backed off. Kevin waited till she was gone and sipped his beer. We sipped our beer, yeah.

Griff handed me his tongs. I looked at him and he nodded. I knew what was happening, I\'d waited a long time for this moment - the abdication. The tongs weighed heavy in my hands, firm in my grip - was Ready for the responsibility? Yes, I was. I held them up high and they glinted in the sun. Don\'t forget to turn the thin ones Griff said as he walked away from the barbecue, disappearing toward the house. Yeah Called back, I will, I will. I snapped them twice, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of my wrist, rolling them back onto their little bellies. I was a natural, I was the TONG- MASTER.

But only until Griff got back from the toilet.

[robedwards99]

Bloke goes to a zoo.

He gets there and they only have a dog.. nothing else.










































It was a sh1tzu..

[podtech]

Q: What do you call a chav in a box?
A: init

Q: What do you call a chav in a blender?
A: init moosh

[Grizzly]

British world cup fan defence training school....
http://www.filecabi.net/video/brits.html

[OLSKOOLROTAR]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I Have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I
don\'t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT?!!! What was that?!"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can\'t you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You\'re just
not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn\'t decide which
one to take so I told her we\'ll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one
wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn\'t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That\'s fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, Let\'s go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don\'t
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while..
You\'re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"Why can\'t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I\'m not getting any tonight either.

[OLSKOOLROTAR]

Q. What\'s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

[OLSKOOLROTAR]

10 Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter

1) If you pull into my driveway and honk you\'d better be delivering a package, because your sure not picking anything up..

2) You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands of my daughter\'s body, I will remove them..

3) I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, i want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, i will take my electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your waist...

4) I’m sure you\'ve been told that in today’s world, sex, without using a \'barrier method\' of some kind, can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you...

5) It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word i need from you on this subject is \'early\'....

6) I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out my girl, you will continue to date no-one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry...

7) As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more then an hour goes past, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer then painting the golden gate bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car.....

8 ) The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer then a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything or anything other then overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies that feature
chainsaws are ok, hockey games are ok. old folks; home are better...

9) Do not lie to me, I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter. I am the all knowing, merciless god of your universe. If i ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle wit me....

10) Be afraid, be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as i wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway your should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, the return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.....

[Ada7]

Just got sent this! Classic :rollin

Adam

[royal]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I\'d better see a doctor."
"Listen, don\'t waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There\'s a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine  sample and the
computer will tell you what\'s wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker
and better than a doctor".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to  Asda. He
deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds  
later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,  
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife
and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He  
deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
 The computer prints the following:
 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
 3. Your daughter has a drug habit. Get her into rehab.
 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren\'t yours. Get a lawyer.
 5. And if you don\'t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will  never get better..........
Thank you for shopping at Asda.

[Ada7]

Four friends, who hadn\'t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.  Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy.  He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.  He  studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he\'s the president of the company.  He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that\'s terrific!  My son is also my pride and  joy.  He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.  Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.  He\'s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that\'s terrific!  My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer.  Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.  He also gave away something  very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"  One the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"  The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a  stripper at a night-club."

The three friends said: What a shame...what disappointment."  The fourth man replied: "No, I\'m not ashamed.  He\'s my son and I love him  and he hasn\'t done too bad either.  His birthday was two weeks ago,and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Adam

[Ianmcurtis]

^^ Two class jokes there fellas, but Adam just steals it for me :Thumbs-up :rollin

[OLSKOOLROTAR]

Q: Why did France ban fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Last night\'s display caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.

Q: How do you get France involved in a war with Iraq?
A: You must first convince them that Saddam is hiding fields of truffles.

Q: What do you call a group of 100,000 Frenchman with their hands in the air?
A: The French Army

Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris?   
A: Nobody knows, no French man has ever tried.

Q: Why does the new French Navy have glassbottom boats?
A: So they can see the old French Navy....

Q: How can you recognise a French veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?
A: Never been fired, dropped only once.

Q: How many gears in a French tank?
A: Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from behind.

Q: Whats the difference between a frenchman and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast

:Giggle

[Martiny]

http://bilik.org/download/mp3/Hu-is-the-president.mp3

[Ianmcurtis]

^^ LOL. Good find :Thumbs-up  ...and me being such a Gee Dubya fan :Giggle