Silly Joke Thread

[Fish]

A young cowboy named Willy walks into a seedy cafe in Williams Lake.   He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy named Bud with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain\'t gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner drawls, "No son, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches out and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly drawls, "Yep, that\'s as far as I got, too..

Have a good one...

[Fish]

Gordon Strachan - Comedy Genius

On Wayne Rooney..."It\'s an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you\'re more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.

Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?"
Strachan: I\'ve got more important things to think about. I\'ve got a yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today.

Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I\'m just going to crumble like a wreck. I\'ll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

Reporter: There\'s no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we\'re all quite positive round here. I\'m going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No, I think they should have got George Graham because I\'m useless.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It\'s a secret.

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don\'t do impressions"

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?
Strachan: If I was English I\'d top myself!

[dwarfslapper]

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/upgrade-pt2/

[Norton]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china,
I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything
you want after all you\'re the guv\'
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there\'s a catch. This time
Noah, I don\'t want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks
one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!" screams Noah "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you
say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last
time?"
"Yep, that\'s right, well. Sort of right. This time I want
you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want
carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get
this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Check".
"Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely
getting to the end of his tether.
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

[Ada7]

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco\'s
supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce.  The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager
about the matter.  Walking into the back room, the boy said to the
manager, "some old b****rd wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to
buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.  We like people who think on
their feet here.  Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there\'s nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager.  "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really??" replied the boy. "Who\'d she play for?"

Adam

[Ada7]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch.
I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What\'s so
special about it?"
Bond explains, It uses Alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What\'s it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you\'re not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing\'s an hour fast."

Adam

[Grizzly]

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can\'t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn\'t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn\'t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn\'t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Ianmcurtis]

^^^Grizzly, they are classics  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin . Almost wet my self mate  :cheers

[Clarky]

What have John Prescot, and flat pack furniture have in commom?

 
put a screw in the wrong place,
 
 
and the whole cabinet falls apart!

[Ianmcurtis]

Whats the difference between inlaws and outlaws?





Outlaws are wanted!

[OLSKOOLROTAR]

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the shops.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off.

and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there\'s just no pleasing some women.
 

 :Giggle

[Fish]

\'Im feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet.

 


So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

 


After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for is house.

 


I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.


So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen\'s Head with me and have a beer?"


But there was no answer.

 

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"


But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

 

I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede\'s house and shouting, "Hey, in here!

 


Would you like to go to The Queen\'s Head and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:...........................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


















Wait for it...!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 























I heard you the first time! I\'m putting my f***ing shoes on!

Fish

[Ianmcurtis]

^ I\'d like to see that when it\'s \'legless\' :-).

[Ianmcurtis]

Management Lessons.................... so true  :Giggle



Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered, "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven\'t got the energy."

"Well, why don\'t you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They\'re packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of manure and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a week, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won\'t keep you there.


Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) When you\'re in deep ****, it\'s best to keep your mouth shut.



This ends your two-minute management course. Remember your lessons well.

[Clarky]

***DVLA NEWSFLASH:***

 

 

 

In order to assist other motorists to identify potentially dangerous
drivers, it\'s now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and
driving ability to display a warning flag.

 

 

 

The flag (comprising of a red cross on a white background) will be
attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.

 

 

 

For drivers of exceptionally low mental ability, additional flags are
required.