Silly Joke Thread

[robedwards99]

What is the difference between a cop with a speed gun, and cunnilingus?

With cunnilingus you can see the (insert very rude word) behind the bush!

[andysmee]

Roflmfaouiwm

[Ada7]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma\'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I\'d give it to you but I don\'t have one.

Officer: Don\'t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can\'t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma\'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma\'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma\'am, one of my officers told me you didn\'t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. :D

Adam

[Mark Ide]

Joke removed: it was post number 13 !!!

[andysmee]

[gadj]

nice

[Icesurf3r]

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1\'s UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they\'re rubbing each other and he\'s just come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis\'s misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards\' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post\'s Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy\'s formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There\'s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott\'s breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You\'d eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn\'t, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where\'s that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It\'s like they\'ve got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn\'t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

[M@r]{]

These are fantastic!!!
 

 

What\'s the definition of the bravest man in the world?

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of

perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You\'re next,

fatty."

********************************************************************

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife

is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when

you\'ve got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you\'ll find, that is a

sheep." Man replies: "I think you\'ll find I was talking to the sheep."

*******************************************************************

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He

asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I\'m moving to Sydney. I

heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and

sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he\'s

going, he replies, "I\'m coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

*******************************************************************

* half a dozen tomatoes

* a 500g jar of coffee

* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued

by the derelict\'s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked

at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about

her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you\'re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you\'re minging"

[Martiny]

There are 10 types of people.

Those that understand binary, and those that dont.

[Scaasi]

Youve probably all heard this before but it aint on here so Im stickin it on anyway:-

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!!


A Lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the
policy the Lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small Fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the Man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. And WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the Claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the Company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also Guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is Considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim!

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance Company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the Cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested On 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning
his insured Property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!
:Giggle :Giggle :Giggle :Giggle

[Brett]

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we\'re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah\'m pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an\' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said \'Don\'t ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?\'
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.
Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy.
" Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. \'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?\'"
Wee Jock\'s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know!
Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the
front: "Yes Timothy." Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):
"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he\'s been studying encyclopaedias all week and he\'s ready for anything that comes.
He\'s coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said \'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind\'?"

Wee Jock\'s arm shoots straight in the air, he\'s standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!" Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert." Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.."

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur f***s sake, WHERE did all these English B******S come from?"
Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"

Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,
"Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on f**k\'in Tuesday!!"

[t2rew]

THIS DOES MAKE YOU THINK:
 
 
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,  "Let\'s talk. I\'ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
 
 
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
 
 "Oh, I don\'t know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
 
"OK". She said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask  you a question first.
 
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,  while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
 
 
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
 
 "And you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don\'t know about sh--!   Now let me read my book

[Fish]

Did you hear about the bloke from Essex wanting to sell his mint TII.

The blokes MAD I tell you, stark raving loony.

Fish

[Brett]

Surely thats an urban myth....

[Lisa]

Two blondes walk into a building..........you\'d think at
least one of them would have seen  it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, pres the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm
for shorts.  The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you\'re nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn\'t find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he couldn\'t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No,
the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.  A strong currant
pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can\'t feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can\'t, I\'ve cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a
fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can\'t have
your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered with hundreds and thousands.   Police say that he topped
himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a  strawberry growing out
of his head.  Doc says "I\'ll give you some cream to put on it."

Doc I can\'t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of
Home\'  "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.\' Is it common? \'
"It\'s not unusual."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog\'s
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet,
"let\'s have a look at him."  So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes, then checks his teeth.  Finally, he says, "I\'m going to have to put him down." "What? Because he\'s cross-eyed?" "No, because he\'s really heavy"

Guy  goes into the doctor\'s. "Doc, I\'ve got a cricket
ball stuck up my backside." "How\'s that?" "Don\'t you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no  eyes?  A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world\'s your
oyster, go for it.\'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It\'s either
my mum or my  Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger  Brother
Ho-Cha-Chu?  But I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your
round." The other one says "So are you, you fat boy!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.  
They charged one and let the other one off

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today.  They left a little note on the windscreen.  It said,
\'Parking Fine.\'  So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I\'ve hurt my
arm in several places." The doctor said, "Well don\'t go there anymore"

Ireland\'s worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.