Silly Joke Thread

[L18M]

Took a bird home after night clubbing, after few drinks we went upstairs, while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said.

"i hope that\'s not that fat c*** from last week?"

The bird said "what the f*** was that?"

I said "it\'s that bas**rd memory foam matress again!"

[L18M]

Just taken part in a blindfolded masterbation competition,



haven\'t got a clue where i came

[L18M]

I just told my new girlfriend that i suffer from premature ejaculation...






Fair play 2 her, she took it on the chin!

[L18M]

Me and the wife had a blazing row earlier and i ended up giving her a slap, 5 mins later we had the best sex ever!...

Looks like i\'m going to have to wait for my tea though....



She\'s still unconscious!

[L18M]

According to Tetley... the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag!

So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "two sugars fatty"

[L18M]

I need = I want
We need = I want
It\'s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don\'t want you to
I\'m not upset = Of course I\'m upset, you fool!
You\'re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You\'re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I\'m not emotional! And I\'m not overreacting! = I have a severe case of
PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new
furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I\'m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you\'re really going
to hate
I\'ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on T.V.
Is my bum fat? = Tell me I\'m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you\'re dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I\'m sorry = You\'ll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It\'s easy to fix, so you\'d better get used
to it
Was that the baby? = Why don\'t you get out of bed and walk him until
he goes to sleep
I\'m not yelling! = Of course I\'m yelling, this is important!

[kiwimazda]

Steve Jobs\' funeral will be held next week, after which he will be reburied every six months in a slightly better coffin

[kiwimazda]

Did you hear the one about the French rugby teams final against NZ

[kiwimazda]

Drunk Driver.... True story from Australia

Drunk Driving...THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man\'s intoxication.

The Police officer said "I\'ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I\'m the designated decoy".

[Brett]

That\'s awesome!

[B.Martin]

That is pretty good i have to admit.

[Chri44ophe55]

read it all the way through, :rollin

[kiwimazda]

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today\'s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

[B.Martin]

Oh dear kiwi :Giggle

[L18M]

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn\'t find them.
Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier.
Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."
God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"
Adam replied, "She\'s down at the river, washing herself out."
"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."