Silly Joke Thread

[Ada7]

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn\'t buy them a bigger bed and they weren\'t strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn\'t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, \'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don\'t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.\'
\'Trust me, it will do the job\', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: \'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,\' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Hull, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.

Adam (Don\'t shoot me :p)

[exiled-viking]

what have at typhoon and marriage got in common
 
1/ at first there\'s a lot of sucking and blowing:Giggle
 
2/ in the end they both take your house:flamed

[Ian65]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat\'s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat\'s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse\'s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour\'s shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^\'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E.
 Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


.

[Brett]

Awesome! :Giggle

[L18M]

:rollin simple things, simple mindes :rollin

[trotter]

Someone threw a lump of cheese at me this morning...

I thought to myself, "that\'s mature" :p

[Lisa]

be sure to watch the video at the end)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called \'Beer \' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that \'something bad\' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life\'s savings, in a familiar scam known as \'a relationship\' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as \'marriage\'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this \'Beer \' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up \'Golf Courses\' in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click here:


Beer Demo click on this link, it is safe.

[trotter]

//www.conjunctivitis.com

it\'s a site for sore eyes...

[L18M]

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Cuz your face is pretty messed up...

[L18M]

:rollin simple things, simple mindes :rollin

not sure if mrc doesnt like this (i not been warned) or maybe just photobucket?

[Brett]

This one gave me a laugh :Giggle

[1990_fc3s_t2]

FDcked a girl in an apple orchard and came in cider :rollin

[peterwolds]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
 When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
 
 I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
 He was chuffed to bits.
 
 I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
 standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3
 hours later and they\'re still walking about with it...
 I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!
 
 I was at a cash-point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
 Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
 
 A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast \'The Flintstones\'.
 A spokesman for the channel said....
 \'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.\'
 
 My son\'s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
 local pet shop and they were £70!!!
 Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
 
 
 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
 She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
 seconds.’
 I bought her scales.
 
   
 I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
 
 A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn\'t what he was expecting.

[Competition PZ]

I ended up in casualty yesterday




it turns out, the new dyson ball cleaner doesnt do what it says on the tin

[L18M]

lol..

did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?
... cos your face is. Messed. Up!