Silly Joke Thread

Lisa · February 06, 2010, 09:41:32 PM

English Signs from Around the World
(Really does make you wonder where they got their translators doesn\'t it)

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

....tail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel\'s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL ....TAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany \'s Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

clive · March 13, 2010, 09:55:59 AM

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A Yorkshire lass

The first man married a woman from Essex. He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on
the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put
away.

The second man married a woman from Sussex. He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he didn\'t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a
huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a lass from Yorkshire . He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table
for every meal. He said the first day he didn\'t see anything, the second day
he didn\'t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed
enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Brett · March 13, 2010, 11:23:58 AM

^--- LMAO!!!! :Giggle

DSNorth · March 26, 2010, 02:38:54 AM

Some classics in here, The man rules are getting framed and put up in the lounge !

Kriss · April 11, 2010, 12:41:42 PM

Greetings from Italy...

L18M · May 27, 2010, 01:39:55 PM

stile from another forum

http://gizmodo.com/5069422/the-muppets-animal-caught-speeding-driving-police-crazy

L18M · June 18, 2010, 03:41:55 AM

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them \'Itsa illegal to putta five people ina Quattro\'. \'\'What do you mean its illegal?\'\' asked the Englishman. \'Quattro meansa four\' replys the Italian official. \'\'Quattro is just the name of the vehicle\'\' the Englishman says disbelievingly. \'\'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry 5 persons\'\'. \'You canta pull thata one ona me\' replies the Italian customs agent. \'Quattro meansa four, you hava fiva people ina your car and therefore breaking the law\'. The Englishman replies angrily, \'\'You idiot! Call your supervisor over we want to speak with someone more intelligent\'\'. \'Sorry\' responds the Italian official, \'He canta come, he\'s a busy with two guys in a Uno\'.

L18M · June 30, 2010, 03:48:30 PM

This is not a joke but is funny.
True story, or in this case, electronic mail.

- - - - - - - -
Hi,

Please assist:

Name of Advisor: J******* ***

1. Content Queries (Issue /Article /Figure /Faulty Link /Author Name Error /Other Error)

2. Date of Query: 29 June 2010

3. Missing Content Code: Typo error

4. Journal Title: Hypatia (HYPA)

5. Volume: 18 (2003)

6. Issue: 2

7. Page Numbers: 103 - 113

8. Problem: Typo Error in Article title
It is currently reflected as "Phenomenology, Porno Baskets, and the Work of Mabel McKay" at
http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/121574089/abstract
It should be "Phenomenology, Pomo Baskets, and the Work of Mabel McKay" which is correct as of
http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/cgi-bin/fulltext/121574089/PDFSTART

Thanks

rgds
- - - - - - - -

whats a porno basket? basket of porn? sounds fun :Giggle

exige · June 30, 2010, 06:08:44 PM

Of course you all know this one:-

Whats the difference between a tea bag and the England team

A tea bag spends longer in a cup

L18M · June 30, 2010, 07:07:39 PM

Quote from: exige;702131Of course you all know this one:-

Whats the difference between a tea bag and the England team

A tea bag spends longer in a cup

tea bag is AWESOME!!!!
google it and see what comes up lol

1990_fc3s_t2 · July 18, 2010, 09:40:37 PM

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']A plane is on its way to Cape Town when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class and sits down.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']She then tells the blonde passenger that she\'s paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I\'m blonde, I\'m beautiful, I\'m going to Cape Town and I\'m staying right here!"[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The flight attendant goes into the ....pit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won\'t move back to her seat.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The blonde replies, "I\'m blonde, I\'m beautiful, I\'m going to Cape Town and I\'m staying right here!"[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won\'t listen to reason.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The pilot says, "You say she\'s blonde? I\'ll handle this, I\'m married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I\'m sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn\'t going to Cape Town "

:p lol not great! but hey its the silly joke thread, only read the last few jokes pmsl at the [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]basket of porn[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\'] and the signs from around the world aswell as some other belters! :Giggle
[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

L18M · August 31, 2010, 12:18:44 AM

some people might be offended by this so mods please delete if anyone has any objections :wiggle

Q: why are mac yellow?
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wait for it
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A:

L18M · September 17, 2010, 02:03:35 PM

NEW WORDS:

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bullocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people\'s heads pop up over the walls to see what\'s going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a \'black box\'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* The "OH-NO!" SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you\'ve just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You\'ve hit \'reply all\').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, I.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there\'s actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: \'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!\'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you\'re in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she\'s got 4 buttocks

L18M · September 21, 2010, 04:56:56 PM

this is good..

If Historical Events had Facebook Statuses

http://coolmaterial.com/roundup/if-historical-events-had-facebook-statuses/

Jojo · October 15, 2010, 08:43:47 PM

Well it does say silly joke thread so...............

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']the bird\'s chest. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I\'m sorry,[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven\'t done any[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']duck\'s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I\'m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']which he handed to the woman..[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The duck\'s owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']to tell me my duck is dead!"[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The vet shrugged, "I\'m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan,[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']it\'s now $150."[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

Silly Joke Thread

DSNorth