Silly Joke Thread

[exige]

> THE HORTH WHITHPERER
>
> If you don\'t laugh out loud at this, you\'re just not trying.!!
>
> A bloke calls his mate, at the local stables, and says he\'s
> sending a friend over to look at a horse.
>
> His mate asks, \'How will I recognise him? \'
>
> \'That\'s easy; he\'s a midget with a speech impediment.\'
>
> So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he\'s
> looking for a Male or female horse.
>
> \'A female horth.\' So he shows him a prized filly.
>
> \'Nith lookin horth.. Can I thee her eyeth\'?
>
> So the stable manager picks up the midget and he gives
> the horse\'s eyes the once over.
>
> \'Nith eyeth, Can I thee her earzth\'?
>
> So he picks the little chap up again, and shows him
> the horse\'s ears.
>
> \'Nith earzth, Can I see her mouf\'?
>
> The stable manager is getting pretty ticked off by
> this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the
> horse\'s mouth.
>
> \'Nice mouf, Can I see her twot\'?
>
> Totally mad as fire at this point, the stable manager grabs
> him under his arms and sticks the midget\'s head as far as
> he can up the horse\'s fanny, pulls him out and plops him
> on the ground.
>
> The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
>
> \'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
>
> Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit\'?

[RobMatthews]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Audrey were sitting on
a park bench having a conversation, when a flasher approached from across
the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them,
and to their shock and dismay, opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Audrey, being older and a bit more feeble, couldn\'t reach that far.

[L18M]

this is not a joke but funny.

did you know that \'fcuk you\' and \'vacuum\' have the same lip movements.
wonder what happens if u say that to a lip reader :rollin

did u know, if u say \'gullible\' slowly, it sounds like \'green bear.\'

[L18M]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the crocodile.”

[Lisa]

Made me laugh:rollin

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, \'What\'s on TV?\'
I said, \'Dust.\'
And that\'s when the fight started....
..........................................

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn\'t even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I\'d like to phone a friend."
And that\'s when the fight started....
........................................

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven\'t been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that\'s when the fight started....
..........................................

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up
to my wife\'s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, \'The weather out there is terrible.\'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, \'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?\'
And that\'s when the fight started....
.......................................

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o\'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The
woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man \'Holy Crap..That must be my husband!\'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to
his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up
to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, \'I AM your husband!\'
The woman yelled back, \'Yeah, then why were you running?\'
And that\'s when the fight started...
..........................................  
I tried to  talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream..
And that\'s when the fight started....
.......................................
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, \'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.\'
The husband replies, \' You r eyesight\'s damn near perfect.\'
And that\'s when the fight started....
........................................
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. "I\'ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren\'t you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself." And that\'s when the fight started....
........................................
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, \'Do you know her?\' \'Yes,\' I sighed, \'She\'s my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn\'t been sober since.\' \'My God!\' said my wife, \'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?\'
And that\'s when the fight started....
.........................................................................

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that\'s when the fight started....
....................................
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, \'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a bathroom scales.
And that\'s when the fight started....
.....................................
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift. The next year, he didn\'t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven\'t used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that\'s how the fight started.....

[FD3S Efini]

absolute genius...just told my missus a few of them and she approved lol

[L18M]

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I\'m fantastic in bed."
That\'s Direct Marketing.

You\'re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He\'s fantastic in bed."
That\'s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I\'m fantastic in bed."
That\'s Telemarketing.

You\'re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I\'m fantastic in bed."
That\'s Public Relations.

You\'re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you\'re fantastic in bed."
That\'s Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I\'m rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice Hard slap on your face.
That\'s Customer Feedback.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she Introduces you to her husband.
That\'s Demand and supply gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" she turns her face towards you---- she is your wife!
That\'s competition eating into your market share.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!” your wife arrives. -
That’s restriction for entering new markets.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say i heard your good in bed ,but i would like to sleep with your friends first .
That\'s pyramid marketing.

You see this gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and take her in your arms and whisper in her ear i hear your good in bed.
That\'s feeling out the competition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her ask her if she would like a drink, take her out for dinner and some dancing..
That\'s building repour with your potential customer.

You see this gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her ask her if shes looking for a guy who is rich, good in bed and wants to get married. Upon her replying yes you turn around and walk away.
That\'s how you keep your business from going bankrupt

[L18M]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, \'What\'s a seven-hundred-ten knob?\'

She replied, \'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.\' She said she didn\'t know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its bonnet up and asked \'is there a 710 on this car?\'

She pointed and said, \'Of course, it\'s right there.\'
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[ATTACH]45594[/ATTACH]

[Ada7]

The 1st Affair  
 
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.  

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.  

He put on his shoes and drove home.

\'Where have you been?\' his wife demanded.

\'I can\'t lie to you,\' he replied,

\'I\'m having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.\'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

\'You lying .......!
You\'ve been playing golf!\'  

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.  

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery  
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: \'There\'s no way I can
be the father of this baby.  
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?\'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
\'No, not this time!\'  


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,  
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

\'I\'m sorry Mr. Schwartz,\' the mortician
commented, \'I can\'t allow you to be cremated  
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.\'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.  

\'I have something to show
you won\'t believe,\' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

\'My God!\' the wife exclaimed,
\'Schwartz is dead!\'  


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband  
opening the front door.

\'Hurry,\' she said, \'stand in the corner.\'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

\'Don\'t move until I tell you,\'  
she said. \'Pretend you\'re a statue.\'

\'What\'s this?\' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

\'Oh it\'s a statue,\' she replied.
\'The Smiths bought one and I liked it  
so I got one for us, too.\'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned  
with a sandwich and a beer.

\'Here,\' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.\'  


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

\'Certainly, Sir, that\'ll be one cent.\'

\'One Cent?\' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
\'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?\'

\'A nickel,\' the barman replied.  

\'A nickel?\' exclaimed the man.
\'Where\'s the guy who owns this place?\'

The bartender replied:
\'Upstairs, with my wife.\'

The man asked: \'What\'s he doing upstairs  
with your wife?\'

The bartender replied:
\'The same thing I\'m doing
to his business down here.\'
 

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
\'I have something I must confess.\'
\'There\'s no need to, \'his wife replied.
\'No,\' he insisted,
\'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!\'
\'I know,\' she replied.
\'Now just rest and let the poison work.\'

Adam

[Brett]

1. I can see your point, but I still think you\'re full of crap.

2. I don\'t know what your problem is, but I\'ll bet it\'s hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you\'ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I\'m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I\'m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don\'t work here. I\'m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can\'t understand a word you\'re saying.

10 Ahhhh. I see the ....-up fairy has visited us again.

11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don\'t give a toss.

14 I\'m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16 Thank you. We\'re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17 The fact that no one understands you doesn\'t mean you\'re an artist.

18 Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20 I\'m not being rude. You\'re just insignificant.

21 It\'s a thankless job, but I\'ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23 And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24 Do I look like a people person to you?

25 This isn\'t an office. It\'s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28 If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31 Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33 Can I swap this job for what\'s behind door  .........1?

34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37 How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39 I\'ll try being nicer if you\'ll try being more intelligent.

40 Wait a minute - I\'m trying to imagine you with a personality.

41 Aren\'t you a black hole of need?

42 I\'d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44 Why don\'t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

46 I\'m too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47 Don\'t let your mind wander, it\'s too small to be let out on its own.

48 Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49 You\'re not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50 You are as pretty as a picture, I\'d really like to hang you.

51 Don\'t believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That\'s the sound of no-one caring.

[fil_auto]

^^^^^ some good ones there Brett! Have managed to use a couple in the past too!

[Ada7]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction  site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, \'You\'re in charge of sweeping.\'
To the Scotsman he says, \'You\'re in charge of shoveling.\'
And to the Chinese guy, \'You\'re in charge of supplies.\'

He then says, \'Now, I have to leave for a little while. \'I expect you men to  make a dent in that pile of sand.\'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, \'Why didn\'t you sweep any of it?\'

The Italian replies, \'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella  that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.\'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says \'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.\'

The Scotsman replies, \'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th\' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin\' him neither.\'

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

\'SUPPLIES!!!!\'

Adam

[Ian65]

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?
 At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
 At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
 At 28 - You don\'t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
 At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that\'ll be a story!!
 
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This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while Saint Peter leafs through his Big Book. He\'s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can\'t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you\'re in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin\' down a duel carriage way and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that\'s what they were doing. There were about 50 of them attacking this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a jack handle from my car boot and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader\'s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the jack handle. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, \'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you low life b*****ds! You\'re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I f*****g teach you all a lesson in pain!\'" St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?" "Er.. about two minutes ago."
 
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A couple decide to go for a meal at their local Chinese restaurant to celebrate their anniversary. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef\'\'s special chicken suprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the woman is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. \'\'Jesus, did you see that?\'\' she asks her boyfriend. He hasn\'\'t so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation. \'\'Well sir\'\', says the waiter, \'\'What did you order?\'\' \'\'We both chose the same\'\', he replies, \'\'the chicken suprise\'\' \'\'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault\'\' says the waiter..... \'\'I\'\'ve brought you the Peking duck\'\'
 
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[Ian65]

Walked past a Tramp earlier. He asked me, "Any change?" I said Nah mate. Still got the Big House and the RX7, but thank\'s for asking...

[clive]

Walked past a Tramp earlier. He asked me, "Any change?" I said Nah mate. Still got the Big House and the RX7, but thank\'s for asking...

Excellent :rollin, I like silly humor :3gears-lh