Silly Joke Thread

[RobbieRX-7]

An employee calls his boss from home and says "I wont be coming in today" The boss replies "why not?" The employee says " i\'ve got anal blindness, i cant see my ass getting out of bed today"

[Fish]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

\'Why so little,\' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, \'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.\'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird\'s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,\'New house, new madam.\'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought \'that\'s really not so bad.\'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said,

\'New house, new madam, new girls.\'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman\'s husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, \'Hi Keith\'

[trotter]

Why does Edward Woodward have so mant letter \'d\'s in his name?







\'Cos if he didnt he\'d be called Ewar Woowar

[RobMatthews]

(You MUST read them aloud)

English Chinese
That\'s not right Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat

It\'s very dark in here Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He\'s cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

[mpk490p]

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2007
  6th  Place
It  was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

\'Would you  like dinner?\' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

\'What are my choices?\' the man asked.

\'Yes or no,\' she replied.


________________________________



  5th  Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

\'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.\'



________________________________



4th  Place
A  lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury\'s but she  couldn\'t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing  assistant, \'Do these turkeys get any bigger?\'

The assistant replied, \'  I\'m afraid not, they\'re dead.\'



________________________________



3rd  Place
The policeman got out of  his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

\'I\'ve  been waiting for you all day,\' the bobby said.

The kid replied, \'Yes,  well I got here as fast as I could.\'

When the policeman finally stopped  laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



________________________________



2nd  Place
A  lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that  read \' Low Bridge Ahead.\'

Before he realised it, the bridge was  directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for  miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

  The policeman got out of  his car and walked to the lorry\'s cab and said to the  driver,

\'Got stuck, eh?\'

The lorry driver said, \'No, I was  delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!\'



________________________________






 SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR  2007

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her  pupils of tomorrow\'s final exam.

\'Now listen to me, I won\'t tolerate  any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.


I might consider a  nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your  immediate family, but that\'s it, no other excuses whatsoever!\'

A  smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

\'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete  and utter sexual exhaustion?\'

 The entire class was reduced to laughter  and sniggering.

 When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly  at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

\'Well, I suppose  you\'d have to write with your other hand\'.

[gsb876]

Q - What is E.T short for ?













A - Because he has little legs :Laugh

[prince_of_tokyo]

I saw a tramp today wearing one shoe,

I asked him "hey mate, you lost a shoe?"

Tramp goes " nah mate, i found one"

[gsb876]

A man walks into a bar and says "  who put that there" !!

[RobMatthews]

sorry if this is too rude!

There was a young vampire named Mabel

Whose periods were really quite stable

For every full moon

She would take out a spoon

And drink herself under the table.

[RobMatthews]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -- "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I\'m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they\'ll be the last words you\'ll ever say to me!!

And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn\'t eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn\'t eat because you\'re afraid you\'ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, But don\'t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don\'t use because I don\'t have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don\'t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don\'t use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn\'t use?"

[RobMatthews]

how do you get a one armed blonde down from a tree?
.
.
.
.
.
.
just wave to her:wave

[peterwolds]

2 pensioners get married.
on the honey moon night the husband asked how often she would like to make love ?
she replied "infrequently"
he asked " is that one word or two ? "

[RobMatthews]

Afghan TV
This is a bit bad but funny nontheless

6.00: G-Had TV.
Morning prayers.

8.30: Talitubbies.
Talitubbies say "Eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

9.00: Shouts of Praise.
More prayers.

11.00: Jihad\'s Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12.30: Panoramadan.
The programme reports on America\'s attempts to take over the world.

13.30: Xena.
Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14.00: Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14.30: Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15.00: Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. \'Starter for ten, no praying.\'

15.30: I Love 629.
A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet\'s entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16.00: Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

16.30: Countdown.
Can the American prisoners defuse the bomb in their cell before the timer runs down?

17.00: Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17.30: Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.

18.00: Holiday.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18.30: Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19.00: Who wants to be a Mujahadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go \'inshallah\', or ask the Islamic council?

20.00: FILM: Shariah\'s Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30: Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22.00: Imam Ted.
Sitcom about three imams who live on a tiny island in the Persian Gulf. This week, Imam Dhuga\'il accidently burns down the mosque, while Imam Jakh is stoned to death for drinking alcohol.

22.30: Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23.30: They think it\'s Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the \'Don\'t feel the Mullah\' round.

Midnight: When Imams Attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

00:.30: The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

02.00: A book at bedtime.
The Koran. Again.

[RobMatthews]

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don\'t know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I\'m here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

[TiddlesRX7]

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don\'t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you\'ve thrown up all over yourself, my God you\'re disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It\'s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He\'d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn\'t hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee\'d in my trousers too".