Silly Joke Thread

[RobMatthews]

Jack decided to go skiing with his
> buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack\'s minivan and
> headed north. After driving for a few hours, they
> got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled
> into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
> answered he door if they could spend the night.
>
> "I realize it\'s terrible weather out
> there and I have this huge house all to myself, but
> I\'m recently widowed," she explained. "I\'m afraid
> the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
> house"
>
> "Don\'t worry," Jack said. "We\'ll be
> happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather
> breaks, we\'ll be gone at first light." The lady
> agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn
> and settled in for the night.
>
> Come morning, the weather had cleared,
> and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great
> weekend of skiing.
>
> But about nine months later, Jack got
> an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a
> few mi nutes to figure it out, but he finally
> determined that it was from the attorney of that
> attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
>
> He dropped in on his friend Bob and
> asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow
> from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
> north about 9 months ago?"
> "Yes, I do." said Bob
>>
> "Did you, er, happen to get up in the
> middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her
> a visit?"
>
> "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little
> embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit
> that I did."
>
> "And did you happen to use my name
> instead of telling her your name?"
>
> Bob\'s face turned beet red and he
> said, "Yeah, look, I\'m sorry, buddy. I\'m afraid I
> did." Why do you ask?"
>
> "She just died and left me
> everything."
>
> (And you thought the ending would be
> different, didn\'t you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

[RobMatthews]

Below are four questions.
You have to answer them instantly. You can\'t take
your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


First Question:

You\'re participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in now?

Second Question:

IF you overtake the last person in the same race, then you are
.........?


Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic!

Note: This must be done in your head only, no calculator or pencil
and
paper. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add
another
1000.
Now add 20. Now add another 1000. And finally, add 10. What is the
total?


Fourth Question:

Mary\'s father has five daughters:


Nana, Nene, Nini, and Nono.

What is the name of the 5th daughter

All done, now check your answers







First Question Answer:
> > If you answered that you are now in first place, then you are
>absolutely
> > wrong!
> > If you overtook the second person then you took his place which is
>second!


Answer to Second Question:
> > If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again!
> > Please explain to me, how can you overtake the last person?


Answer to Third Question:
> >
> > Did you get 5000?
> > The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don\'t believe me, check
it
> > with a calculator.


Answer to Fourth Question:
> >
> > Did you answer Nunu?
> >
> > No! Of course it isn\'t. Her name is Mary. Read the question again

[RobMatthews]

this is probably old but here it is
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the
same tag-line....

Sainsbury condoms - Making life taste better.

Tesco condoms - Every little helps.

Nike condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels condoms - Melt in your mouth, not your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey national condoms - Because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever ready condoms - Keeps going and going.

Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can\'t stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.

Goodyear condoms - For a longer ride go wide.

FCUK condoms - No comment required.

Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where\'s the pain.

Halfords condoms - We go the extra mile.

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.

Renault condoms - Size really does matter.

Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin.

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - Its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes.

Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim (please).

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.

Carlsberg condoms - Probably the best condoms in the world.

AA condoms - For our customers we\'re the 4th emergency service.

Pepperami condoms - Its a bit of an animal.

Polo condoms - The condom with the hole.
__________________

[Shiuko]

By the time you read through this you WILL understand
 \'TENJOOBERRYMUDS\'

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest
and call room-service somewhere in England today......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I\'d like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... don\'t thi nk so."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don\'t know what \'judo wan
sahn toes\' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin
we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!!  I\'ve got it! You were saying
\'toast\'...   Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that\'s everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we
bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You\'re welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
\'TENJOOBERRYMUDS\' ".....and you do don\'t you?

[Fish]

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.



2nd woman: Hi! I\'m Sylvia. How\'d you die?



1st woman: I froze to death.



2nd woman: How horrible!



1st woman: It wasn\'t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I Began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What About you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my Husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had Looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just Keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn\'t look in the freezer ---we\'d both still be alive.

[Ada7]

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down


Finally , the guys\' side of the story.
( I must admit, it\'s pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You\'re a big girl. If it\'s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don\'t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It\'s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That\'s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you\'re fat, you probably are.
Don\'t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing\'s wrong..
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don\'t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don\'t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don\'t ask us what we\'re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don\'t mind that? It\'s like camping.

[mpk490p]

Eight Words with two Meanings


1.  THINGY (thing-ee) n.  
Female......  Any part under a car\'s hood.  
Male.....  The strap fastener on a woman\'s bra.  

2.  VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.  
Female....  Fully opening up one\'s self emotionally to another.  
Male....  Playing football without a cup.  

3.  COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .  
Female...  The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one\'s  partner.  
Male...  Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.  

4.  COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.  
Female....  A desire to get married and raise a family!  
Male......  Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.  

5.  ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.  
Female....  A good movie, concert, play or book.  
Male......  Anything that can be done while drinking beer.  

6.  FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.  
Female....  An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.  
Male......  A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.  

7  MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.  
Female......  The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.  
Male..  Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.  

8.  REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.  
Female....  A device for changing from one TV channel to  another.  
Male...  A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.  

AND

He said - I don\'t know why you wear a bra; you\'ve got nothing to put in it.
She said - You wear pants don\'t you?  

He  said - Shall we try swapping positions  tonight?  
She said - That\'s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!  

He  said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave  you?  
She  said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

[mpk490p]

Eight Words with two Meanings


1.  THINGY (thing-ee) n.  
Female......  Any part under a car\'s hood.  
Male.....  The strap fastener on a woman\'s bra.  

2.  VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.  
Female....  Fully opening up one\'s self emotionally to another.  
Male....  Playing football without a cup.  

3.  COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .  
Female...  The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one\'s  partner.  
Male...  Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.  

4.  COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.  
Female....  A desire to get married and raise a family!  
Male......  Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.  

5.  ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.  
Female....  A good movie, concert, play or book.  
Male......  Anything that can be done while drinking beer.  

6.  FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.  
Female....  An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.  
Male......  A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.  

7  MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.  
Female......  The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.  
Male..  Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.  

8.  REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.  
Female....  A device for changing from one TV channel to  another.  
Male...  A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.  

AND

He said - I don\'t know why you wear a bra; you\'ve got nothing to put in it.
She said - You wear pants don\'t you?  

He  said - Shall we try swapping positions  tonight?  
She said - That\'s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!  

He  said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave  you?  
She  said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

[Brett]

"Hello?"



"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"



"No Daddy. She\'s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."



After a brief pause,



Daddy says, "But honey, you haven\'t got an Uncle Paul."



"Oh yes I do, and he\'s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."



Brief Pause.


"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy\'s car just pulled into the driveway."







"Okay Daddy, just a minute."



A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.



"I did it Daddy."







"And what happened honey?"


"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn\'t moving at all!"




"Oh my God!!!



What about your Uncle Paul?"



"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn\'t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he\'s dead."





***Long Pause***





***Longer Pause***



***Even Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?





Is this 486-5731?"







"No, this is 486-5713....."





"sorry wrong number"

[RobMatthews]

i\'ve just had a bad car accident. i hit three people on a zebra crossing. the first one went through my windscreen, the second one dented my bonnet and the third one got thrown 200 meters up the road.

the cops have been fanastic. the first one got charged with breaking and entering the second got charged for destroying private property and the third got done for leaving the scene of an accident.

[RobMatthews]

A link on why you should keep your house clean!
hope this is acceptable! if its pushing the boundries of the rules ten please accept my apogies and remove the link

here it is
http://www.idkwtf.com/videos/latest-videos/550-keep-your-house-clean

[nick english]

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it\'s not Walter who\'s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, during which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kiwi Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn\'t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I\'ll shoot," the man shouted, "That\'s not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart."
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn\'t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition: The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

They still had the trailer attached to the bottom of the boat.

[RobMatthews]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been
with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records
were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when
to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn\'t always fair,
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don\'t spend more than you earn)
and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations
were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing
a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves
failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student;
but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating
when you couldn\'t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the intruder can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee
was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights,
Someone Else is to Blame, and I\'m a Victim.

[RobMatthews]

After numerous rounds of "We don\'t even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he\'s holding the message upside down."

[RobMatthews]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, \'What is Politics?\'


Dad says, \'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:


I am the head of the family, so call me The President.


Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.


And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.


Now think about that and see if it makes sense..\'


So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.


Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent\'s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny\'s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.


He gives up and goes back to bed .


The next morning, the little boy says to his father, \'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. \'


The father says, \'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.\'


The little boy replies, \'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****\'