Silly Joke Thread

[Fish]

One winter morning a couple were listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so that the snowploughs can get through."

So Norman\'s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

Norman\'s wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today you must park ..." Then the power goes out.

Norman\'s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don\'t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says


"Why don\'t you just leave it in the garage this time honey?"

[RobbieRX-7]

What do you call an audi with ducks stuck in the wheel arches? 4 sprung duck technique

[skybusr34]

:Thumbs-up  The Sensitive Man

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A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn\'t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other\'s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................


"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

[mpk490p]

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the
 course of the meal; his mother couldn\'t help but notice how handsome
 Peter\'s flatmate, Simon, was.

 She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
 this only made her more curious.

 Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
 started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate
 than met the eye.

 Reading his mum\'s thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must
 be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".

 About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your
 mother came to dinner, I\'ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don\'t
 suppose she took it do you?


 " Well I doubt it, but I\'ll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter.
 So he sat down and wrote



 DEAR MOTHER,
 I\'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I\'M
 NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS
 THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
 LOVE PETER

 Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which
 read



 DEAR SON,
 I\'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I\'M NOT SAYING
 THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS
 SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN
 BY NOW.



 LOVE MUM

 Lesson of the day,



 NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[mpk490p]

>* Obsession * A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
>with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have
obsessions,"
>he observed.To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with
>eating. You\'ve even named your daughter Candy."He turned to the second
>Mom,
>Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your
>child \' s name, Penny."   He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your
obsession
>is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child \' s name,
>Brandy."At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her
>little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we \' re leaving."

[RobMatthews]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I\'m 83 years old now and I\'m just full of aches and pains. I know you\'re about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just peed my diaper."

[RobMatthews]

Olympics
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.
The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.
While walking, the Scotsman sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also.
The Irishman is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."



A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee she\'s fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy\'s ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I\'ll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run, she\'s backing up!!"
 I

[n4bes]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to
Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I
better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don\'t have to spend that kind of money," Mike
replies. "There\'s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore
at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer\'ll tell you what\'s wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a
lot cheaper than a doctor."
   
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes
it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the
computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours
the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks.
 
That evening while thinking how amazing this new
technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could
be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from
his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack
hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and
awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
 
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren\'t yours.
Get a lawyer.
5. If you don\'t stop playing with yourself, your elbow
will never get better.

[Fish]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o\'clock in the morning  by a loud pounding on the door.......
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o\'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push" he answers
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No. I did not. It is three o\'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Can\'t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told .......(of course), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

[RobMatthews]

was feeling all depressed yesterday...

rang the samaritans and got put through to a call centre in afghanistan..

told them i was suicidal..

they got all excited and asked if i could fly a plane!!

[RobMatthews]

This made me laugh...

http://www.b3ta.com/board/6045721

http://www.b3ta.com/board/6045226

[n4bes]

The Guys\' Rules*******************

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys\' side of the story.
We always hear \'the rules\' from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered \'1\' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You\'re a big girl. If it\'s up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don\'t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It\'s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That\'s what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won\'t dress like the Victoria\'s Secret girls, don\'t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you\'re fat, you probably are. Don\'t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say \'nothing,\' We will act like nothing\'s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don\'t want an answer to,! Expect an answer you don\'t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don\'t ask us what we\'re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Rugby, football information, or golf        

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don\'t mind that? It\'s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh

[robedwards99]

Whats ET short for???


Coz he\'s only got little legs....

[nick english]

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I\'ll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver?

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I\'m not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.

"OK, I know what you want; I\'ll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."

[peterwolds]

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I\'ll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver?

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I\'m not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.

"OK, I know what you want; I\'ll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."

:rollin :rollin :rollin