Silly Joke Thread

[peterwolds]

magic Lisa good laugh at tommy cooper jokes,am old enough to remember seeing him when he collapsed on stage & died - pity no humour like that anymore

[sadgoth]

oh the old ones are the best.....

1) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. (ouch)

2) Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3) Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He is all right now.

4) The roundest knight at King Arthur\'s round table was Sir Cumference.

5) To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

6) When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

7) The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

9) A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

10) Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

11) We\'ll never run out of math teachers, because they
always multiply.

12) When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

13) The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

14) The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

15) The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

16) If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

17) A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
18) Two maggots were fighting in dead Earnest.

19) When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

20) You are stuck with your debt, if you can\'t budge it.

21) He broke into song, because he could not find the key.

22) A boiled egg is hard to beat.

23) Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[mpk490p]

A couple had only been married for two weeks.  The husband, although very
much in love, couldn\'t wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies.


So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I\'ll be right back."


"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.


"I\'m  going to the bar, Pretty Face.  I\'m going to have a beer."





The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.





The husband didn\'t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses...  "


He didn\'t get to finish the  sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"


She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.





The husband, looking a bit pale,  said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d\'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won\'t be
long. I\'ll be right  back.  I promise.  OK?"


"You want hors d\'oeuvres, Poochie h?"  She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d\'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in  blankets,
mushroom caps, and pork strips.





"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there\'s swearing, dirty words
and all that..."



"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? ....."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD!  SIT DOWN,
SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT
YOUR F*CKIN\' HORS D\'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN\'T
GOING TO A F*CKIN\' BAR!  THAT SH*IT IS OVER...GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"



..and, they lived happily ever after

Mark

[mpk490p]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill\'s comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and

I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you
could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only
five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The air bag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.

10. You\'d have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Jono FD3]

I was sent this earlyer by one of the lads..... I was quite worried at first as I thought he was coming on to me!!!
Dont worry Im not a shirt lifter so please read on!!!

Don\'t tell anyone........ I\'m gonna go down on you!!
And your going to love it. but it\'s only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it.
Then I\'m going to come back up again & FCUK you big time!!
Yours sincerely
Petrol prices xx




Jono

[Mark Ide]

(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I\'ll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don\'t you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we\'ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor\'s office and shouted "Doctor! I think I\'m shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You\'ll just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

( A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

(By the way, the guy who wrote these 10 puns entered them in a contest. He figured with 10 entries, he couldn\'t lose. As they were reading the list of winners, he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.)

[sadgoth]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden. ......
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>"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
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>"Is, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
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>So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
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>There\'s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there\'s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
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>"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
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>"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don\'t forget"
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>"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
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>And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but. True friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
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>"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"
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>"Luis Luis MI amigo...what ees it?
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>"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..
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>Ees
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>Ees
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>Ees
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>Ees
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>Eees a Ham Bush.

[RobMatthews]

Technology for country folk

 1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.


2. LOG OFF: Don\'t add no more wood.


3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.


4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truck.


5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.


6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much
farwood.


7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.


8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.


9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain\'t in the winter time.


10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it\'s cold outside.


11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it\'s blak fly season.


12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.


13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.


14. MICRO CHIP: Whut\'s in the bottom of the munchie bag.


15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.


16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix\'s wife.


17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.


18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.


19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.


20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.


21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.


22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine


23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C\'mon in y\'all"


24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain\'t \'member whut ya
paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.


25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

[RobMatthews]

There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says sure.

The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse\'s ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guys walks in and the bartender gives him the drinks. The next night the same guy and the same thing happens.

The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes out side and a few minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying.

The bartender says \'o.k. you can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh.\'

The cowboy said, \'I told him my privates are bigger than his.\'

\'O.K. but how did you make him cry?\'

The cowboy replied, \'I proved it to him.\'

[peterwolds]

pavarotti gets to heaven & meets st.peter who asks him to follow him.he takes him to god & says "god here  is that tenor i owe you"

[sadgoth]

that\'s the first one I\'ve heard - made me laugh

[nikp]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women\'s breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[RobbieRX-7]

Being as this is a silly joke thread, i have a silly joke.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
























Walk

[ro284]

Deter ======= fend off,
Detered======fended off.
Undetered=
































=====Skidmark

[skybusr34]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.



They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.



As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.



The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.



They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.



They couldn\'t help but stare.



As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually,then she passed on by. They were both stunned.



How in the world did she know they were priests?



So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!



Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.



After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.



Again she nodded at each of them, said





"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.



One of the priests couldn\'t stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, yo ung lady." "Yes, Father?"



"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"



She replied,



"Father, it\'s me, Sister Margaret."