Silly Joke Thread

[dwarfslapper]

On the 1st day of  Chavmas my true love sent to  me, a pikey in  
Burberry.
 
On the 2nd day  of  Chavmas my true love sent to me, two tracksuit
tops  and
a pikey in  Burberry.
 
On the 3rd day  of  Chavmas my true love sent to me, three navel  
studs,
two tracksuit tops and a pikey in  Burberry.
 
On the 4th day of  Chavmas my true love sent  to me, four stolen
phones,
three navel studs, two tracksuit tops  and a pikey in Burberry.
 
On the 5th day of  Chavmas my  true love sent to me, fiiiveee
gooolldd
riinngggs,  four  stolen phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit
tops  and
a pikey in  Burberry.
 
On the 6th day  of  Chavmas my true love sent to me, six  teens  
a-laying,
fiiiveee  gooolldd  riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs,  
  two
tracksuit tops  and a pikey in  Burberry.
 
On the 7th day of  Chavmas my true love sent  to me, seven scallies
stealing, six teens  a-laying, fiiiveee  gooolldd riinngggs, four
stolen phones,
three navel studs,  two  tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.
 
On the 8th  day of  Chavmas my true love sent to me, eight  midriffs
showing, seven scallies  stealing, six teens a-laying,  fiiiveee
gooolldd
riinngggs, four stolen  phones, three  navel studs, two tracksuit
tops and a  pikey  in
Burberry.
 
On the 9th day  of  Chavmas my true love sent to me, nine  ladies  
drinking,
eight midriffs  showing,  seven scallies stealing, six teens  
a-laying,
fiiiveee  gooolldd  riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel
studs,  two  tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.
 
On the  10th day  of Chavmas my true love sent to me, ten  lads  
joy-riding,
nine ladies  drinking,  eight midriffs showing, seven scallies
stealing,
six teens  a-laying,  fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen
phones,  three
navel studs, two  tracksuit tops and a pikey in  Burberry.
 
On the 11th day  of Chavmas my true love sent  to me, eleven prammers
pushing, ten lads  joy-riding, nine  ladies drinking, eight midriffs  
showing,  seven
scallies  stealing, six teens  a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd
riinngggs, four  stolen phones,  three navel studs, two tracksuit
tops and a pikey  in  Burberry.
 
On the 12th day  of Chavmas my  true love sent to me, twelve chavvers
chavving,  eleven  prammers pushing, ten lads joy-riding, nine  ladies drinking, eight  midriffs showing, seven scallies  stealing, six  
teens
a-laying,  fiiiveee  gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones,  three  
navel
studs, two  tracksuit tops and a  pikey in  Burberry
 
 
\'APPY  CRIMBO :guinness

[Clarky]

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf

[kev-yorks]

The Whole Story!!!



Little Johnny watched his daddy\'s car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that
he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother,

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy\'s car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss,then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy
take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy\'s face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy\'s
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do
when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt.

[kev-yorks]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young
man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the
Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through
it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked
"OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
....... "124,237.64. pounds"

The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64 POUNDS" What the hell
did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook,
and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
going
fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a
boat, so
we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined
Power Cat. Then he said he didn\'t think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him
down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me.... a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said.........\'Well, since your weekend\'s f**ked, you might
as well go fishing."

[sadgoth]

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes
of your time, I would like to....... "F*ck off!" said the old lady.

"I haven\'t got any money" and she tried to close the door.
 Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open.

"Don\'t be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration."

 And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse **** all over her
>hallway carpet.
 "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse ****
 from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

 "Well," she said, "I hope you\'ve got a f*cking good appetite, because
 the electricity was cut off this morning."

[sadgoth]

CLASSIC VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he\'s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies in the cold.

THE END




THE NEW POLITICALLY CORRECT BRITISH VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he\'s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed, while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with pictures of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

Britons are stunned that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so much while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the ant\'s house. The BBC, interrupting a Jamaican cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome"

In an interview with Trevor McDonald, Ken Livingstone rants that the ant has become rich off the backs of grasshoppers and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper
Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant\'s taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the Government repossesses his home. The ant moves to Spain and starts a successful wine-exporting company.

A Panorama special later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the
last of the ant\'s food, though Spring is still months away, while the
council house he is in, which just happens to be the ant\'s old house,
crumbles around him because he hasn\'t bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Trevor Phillips is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose. The Daily Mirror blames it on the obvious failure of Government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequality.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain\'s multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana plantation and terrorise the community.

THE END

[sadgoth]

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don\'t fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we\'ve been together,

I can\'t help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I\'ve always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I\'ve changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you\'re not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You\'ll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,

you always said you\'d die for me.

Now that we\'ve broken up,

I think it\'s time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let\'s say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I\'m so miserable without you

it\'s almost like you\'re here.

=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we\'re having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter\'s a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it\'s really good pay.

[Grizzly]

The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and
with that classic, patronising smirk, asked, "Runway too short"?

To which I replied. "I\'m late for work"

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I\'m a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman was surprised and confused. "A what?"

"A rectum stretcher"

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole until it\'s about 6 feet"

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously, and just
what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.

Court Costs: £45.

Look on copper\'s face: Priceless....

[Martiny]

Man carrying a mast for his yacht down the street..

Other man " Are you a pole vaulter " ?

1st Man " No, I\'m Dutch, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

[Ianmcurtis]

^ Ha, Ha Martin :-).

[Ianmcurtis]

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn\'t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend\'s house. The man called his wife\'s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.


Friendship between Men:

A man didn\'t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend\'s house. The woman called her husband\'s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[nikp]

Sky have today announced they are to televise the first international Origami tournament.





Unfortunately most people won\'t be able to see it as it will be paper view

[dwarfslapper]

The bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest

is shivering with fear."


The lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire

savannah is afraid of me."


Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet

wets itself."

[Lisa]

Harmless bit of fun - sorry in advance if this offends anyone - but some of these really made me laugh, and so true!!  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin

Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.

Don\'t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you\'ll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you\'ve taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they\'re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc \'tastes exactly like the real thing\', they won\'t know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you\'d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don\'t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you\'ll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy \'Next customer Please\' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don\'t worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he\'s interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes\' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to \'fast wipe\' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don\'t invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

DON\'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a **** before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I\'m sayin\'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON\'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog poos in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

CRIMINALS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90-degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid time-consuming job interviews by immediately tossing 90 percent of the applicants\' CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 note to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house while you\'re asleep by simply moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR THIEVES: Don\'t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables are usually hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a "cry for help", simply shout "Help!", thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the ocean.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: Don\'t worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD\'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they\'ve been thrown out of car windows.

[Ianmcurtis]

Some classic\'s in there Lisa :-).