Silly Joke Thread

[mpk490p]

bugger lol

[Brett]

Class :Giggle

[L18M]

Q: how do you anoy lady ga ga?




A: poke her face
(i heard it on the radio so dunt blame me if its a poor joke.. made me laugh though =p )

[peterwolds]

bought a new toaster on saturday - took it back to comet sunday complained it wouldnt even do 2 rounds.
Salesman said what do you expect buying one from the hatton range !!!!!!!!!!!

[peterwolds]

walking back to car a supermarket last night saw hull city\'s manager phil brown carrying 5 bags of shopping so i asked if he could manage.he told me not to take the mickey.
hull turned down a 2 million pound shirt sponsorship from a pet food firm as they didnt think it appropriate to wear a shirt with winalot on

[Dan Norton]

2 monkies in an airing cupboard.......................which one\'s in the army?














the one on the tank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ro284]

Subject:--- Why men don\'t write advice columns!

 Dear Walter:

I hope you  can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn\'t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out, and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband\'s help.
 When I got home I couldn\'t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.  He\'d carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them any clothes had on, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair
for the past six months!

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don\'t feel I can get through to him anymore.

 Can you please help?

 Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila  C.

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short  distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none  of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump  itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float  chamber.

I hope this helps.
Walter

[mpk490p]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION


Q: I\'ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that\'s it.   Don\'t
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that\'s like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.

   _____
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

   _____
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

   _____
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

   _____
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can\'t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

   _____
Q: Aren\'t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU\'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they\'re permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

   _____
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

   _____
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It\'s the
best feel-good food around!

   _____
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

   _____
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! \'Round\' is a shape!

   _____
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other
- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO, What a Ride

[RobMatthews]

The population of this country is approximately
60 million.

32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work.

There are 17 million in school or at Universities..

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK
government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan .

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work..

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work
for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sat at your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope all on my own?

[Brett]

Subject:  Brown and Darling in Middle England

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said,  
\'Alastair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back  
Middle England, even though we are Scottish\'.
  \'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?\' said Darling.

  \'Well\' said Brown \'we\'ll get ourselves two of those long Barbour  
coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a Labrador. Then  
we\'ll really look the part. We\'ll go to a nice old country pub if there  
is still one open in Much Something or other, & we\'ll show we really  
enjoy the  countryside,......oh & remember not to mention the hunting  
with dogs Act or the No Smoking Ban!\'
 \'Right PM\' said Darling.

  So a few days later, all kitted out & with the requisite Labrador at  
heel, they set off from London. Eventually they arrived at just the  
place they were looking for & found a lovely country pub &, with the  
dog, went in & up to the bar.

  \'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood  
please\' said Brown.
  \'Good evening Prime Minister\' said the landlord, \'two pints of best it  
is, coming up\'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,  
nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay  
quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how  
heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not  
paying the council tax, how the pub trade had almost died because of the  
smoking ban etc.

  All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a  
grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador  
lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked  
back to the other bar.
  A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same  
procedure. To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages &  
gender followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it  
any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

  \'Tell me\' said Darling, \'Why did all those people come in & look under  
the dog\'s tail like that? Is it an old Custom?




 




















  \'Good Lord no,\' said the landlord. \'It\'s just that someone has told  
them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two A$$holes\'

[peterwolds]

nice 1 Brett

[Ada7]

The Barber -

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, \'I cannot accept money from you. I\'m doing community service this week.\' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a \'thank you\' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, \'I cannot accept money from you. I\'m doing community service this week.\' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a \'thank you\' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, \'I cannot accept money from you, I\'m doing community service this week.\' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a \'thank you\' card and a dozen different books, such as \'How to Improve Your Business\' and \'Becoming More Successful.\'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, \'I cannot accept money from you. I\'m doing community service this week.\' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

[Moonwrap]

LOL! Brett!

[Shiuko]

The Barber

Funny and sad at the same time. (Like a grandma falling down a fly of steps) :flamed

[Bobbit]

Funny and sad at the same time. (Like a grandma falling down a fly of steps) :flamed

i lol\'ed at that.