Silly Joke Thread

[TiddlesRX7]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I\'m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you\'d allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I\'ll be all right...I\'ll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[RobMatthews]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who\'s blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a Couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the Blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think You\'re going?"

(You\'re gonna love this...)

She said,






"I\'m going home too, I can\'t work in the dark!"

[RobMatthews]

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!



Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won\'t miss a call from someone we didn\'t want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.



NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E; in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars. and finally... In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet. If you\'re proud to be British, send this on!

[RobMatthews]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That\'s nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor #31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store\'s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through to sixth floors have never been visited

[Lisa]

Very funny:rollin:rollin:rollin:rollin

[Ada7]

Kids Are Quick  
 
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:     Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS:     Maria.
____________________________________
 
TEACHE R: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:       You told me to do it without using tables.
__________ ________________________________

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell \'crocodile?\'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L\'
TEACHER:  No, that\'s wrong
GLENN:      Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it\'s H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn\'t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:     Well, I\'m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with \'I.\'
MILLIE:       I is..
TEACHER:   No, Millie..... Always say, \'I am.\'
MILLIE:       All right...  \'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.  
_________________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father\'s  cherry tree, but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn\'t punish him?
LOUIS:  Because George still had the axe in his hand.  
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don\'t have to, my Mom is a good cook.  
___________________________________________

TEACHER:  Clyde , your composition on \'My Dog\' is exactly the same as your brother\'s.   Did you copy his?
CLYDE :     No, sir.  It\'s the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:   A teacher.

[Ada7]

Top Four Adult Jokes  
Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, \'Ma\'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you\'ll forgive me.\'
She replies, \'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I\'m in room 221.\'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife\'s arm.
The wife turns over and says \'I\'m sorry honey, I\'ve got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.\'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
\'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?\'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.  
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
\'What\'s wrong, Bill?\' she asked.
\'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?\'
\'Oh, Bill, you didn\'t\' she exclaimed. \'Yes, I did.\' he replied. \'My God, Bill, what happened?\'

\'I got fired.\' \'No,  Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?\'
\'Oh...she got fired too.\'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, \'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.\'
\'I know,\' the old man said.  \'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.\'
\'Well,\' Granny snickered.  \'Let\'s relive some old times.\'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
\'You know, honey,\' the little old lady breathlessly replied, \'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.\'
\'I wouldn\'t be surprised,\' replied Gramps.   \'One\'s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================

[Ada7]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...



Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma\'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I\'d give it to you but I don\'t have one.

Officer: Don\'t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please .

Older Woman: I can\'t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma\'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma\'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma\'am, one of my officers told me you didn\'t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!


Don\'t Mess With Old Ladies

[L18M]

I saw a tramp today wearing one shoe,

I asked him "hey mate, you lost a shoe?"

Tramp goes " nah mate, i found one"

is this ment to be a joke?! cos thinking about it.. it sounds more like a true story and sth a tramp in london would actually say :evillaugh

[L18M]

Below are four questions.
You have to answer them instantly. You can\'t take
your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


First Question:

You\'re participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in now?

Second Question:

IF you overtake the last person in the same race, then you are
.........?


Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic!

Note: This must be done in your head only, no calculator or pencil
and
paper. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add
another
1000.
Now add 20. Now add another 1000. And finally, add 10. What is the
total?


Fourth Question:

Mary\'s father has five daughters:


Nana, Nene, Nini, and Nono.

What is the name of the 5th daughter

All done, now check your answers







First Question Answer:
> > If you answered that you are now in first place, then you are
>absolutely
> > wrong!
> > If you overtook the second person then you took his place which is
>second!


Answer to Second Question:
> > If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again!
> > Please explain to me, how can you overtake the last person?


Answer to Third Question:
> >
> > Did you get 5000?
> > The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don\'t believe me, check
it
> > with a calculator.


Answer to Fourth Question:
> >
> > Did you answer Nunu?
> >
> > No! Of course it isn\'t. Her name is Mary. Read the question again

debatable...

question 1:
if u over take the 2nd person then u would be 2 places high.
ie. ur 5th. u over take the 1st person (that would be position 4) then the 2nd person u overtake is the one infront which is 3rd. so you would be in 3rd from 5th.

question 2:
u overtake the last person.
should depend on your definition of overtaking.
(overtake = to level with / draw even with / to catch up with)
the last person u can possible overtake is the person that is in 1st. once u overtake them then you are no 1 and have no one to level with or catch up with so further passings would not called overtake but passing again.

u can see how bored i am lol

ps i even read all the jokes on this thread!! the joys of being \'between contracts\'

[DR SCHNITZEL]

What do you call a female police officer with a shaven haven?
 
  *untstubble

[RobMatthews]

What do you call a female police officer with a shaven haven?
 
  *untstubble

The simple one liners are always the best!

[mpk490p]

Children\'s science exam answers.  
 

Q: Name the four seasons.  
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
 
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.  
A:  Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?  
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.  

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.  

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the  moon, because there  is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.  

Q: What are steroids?  
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
 
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A:  When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
   
Q: What happens to a boy when he  reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

 Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.  

 Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
 
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does \'varicose\' mean? (I do  love this one...)
A: Nearby.  

Q: Give the meaning of the  term \'Caesarean Section.\'
A: The Caesarean  Section is a district in Rome

Q: What  does the word \'benign\' mean?\'
A: Benign is what you will  be after you be eight.

 
 
 
TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:        Here it is.
TEACHER:   Correct. Now class, who discovered   America?
CLASS:        Maria.
____________________________________
 
TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
__________  ________________________________

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell \'crocodile?\'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L\'
TEACHER: No, that\'s wrong
GLENN:   Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H  I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it\'s H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn\'t have ten years ago.
WINNIE:  Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:       Well, I\'m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with \'I.\'
MILLIE:       I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, \'I am.\'
MILLIE:       All right...  \'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.    
_________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father\'s   cherry tree, but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn\'t punish him?
LOUIS:         Because George still had the axe in his hand.    
______________________________________

TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:    No sir, I don\'t have to, my Mom is a good cook.  

 ___________________________________

TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:    A teacher.

[robedwards99]

Join the Alzheimer\'s protest march!!!

Learn the chant now!!!



"What Do We Want?"

.
.
.
.
.


"Don\'t Know!"

.
.
.
.
.
.


"When Do We Want It?"

.
.
.
.
.
.

"Want What?"

[robedwards99]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor\'s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don\'t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don\'t say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter\'s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy\'s