Silly Joke Thread

[OLSKOOLROTAR]

Dear Mum & Dad,
>
>I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
>Army is better than workin\' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick
>smart before the jobs are all gone!
>
>I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don\'t hafta getoutta
>bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before
>brekky
>is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows  to
>milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack -nothin\'!!
>
>Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there\'s lotsa hot
>water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit
>and eggs but there\'s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
>
>You don\'t get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are
>buggered because we\'ve been on a \'route march\' - geez its only just like
>walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
>
>This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
>medals for shootin\' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody
>possum\'s
>arse and it don\'t move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did
>when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last
>year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target -  
>its
>a piece of ****!!  You don\'t even load your own cartridges - they comes  in
>little boxes and ya don\'t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of
>the
>roo shooting truck when you reload!
>
>Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
>coz they break easy - it\'s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
>and
>Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
>
>Turns out I\'m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I\'m the best the
>platoon\'s got, and I\'ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the
>Engineers - he\'s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the
>shoulders  and as ya know I\'m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin\' wet,
>but I  fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
>
>I can\'t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before Word
>gets around how bloody good it is.
>
>Your loving daughter,
>
>
>
>Sheila

[dwarfslapper]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years......
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman got undressed! as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me. " As she did, Dr Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.

Worse case I ever see.

Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied:.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.



Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

[Ianmcurtis]

^  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin . Nuff said.

[Ricco_04]

TOP TIPS........

DON\'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a pee before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say \'know what I\'m sayin\' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON\'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don\'t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a \'cry for help,simply shout \'Help!\' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don\'t worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD\'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they\'ve been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN: Don\'t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn\'t give a damn anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house when he\'s done.

[gadj]

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word \'definitely\' in a sentence.

Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green." The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall.

The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."  The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colours."

From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do f@rts have lumps?" The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that\'s silly." Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely sh1t my pants!"

[t2rew]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses around. Suddenly she
spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to
see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn\'t pop up right
now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a
pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you
today? " Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as
though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle? " Still smiling pleasantly, he replies,
"Madame, I\'m very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you
are going to sh1t yourself when you hear the price.

[dwarfslapper]

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November 2004

RE: Christmas Party

I\'m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We\'ll have a
small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don\'t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone\'s pockets. This gathering is only
for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline
 

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday\'s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we\'re calling it our \'Holiday Party\'.. The same policy applies to any
other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

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FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn\'t sign your name. I\'m happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn\'t be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed
now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and
Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE
ALLOWED.

Pauline.
 

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2004

RE: Holiday Part

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees\'

beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I\'ve arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed
to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each
will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the
gay men\'s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no
cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low
fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt
used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste
the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.
 

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2004

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I\'ve had it with you people !!! We\'re going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it, you\'ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you
slice them. I\'ve heard them scream. I\'m hearing the scream right NOW!! I
hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November 2004

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I\'m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery,
and I\'ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

[Ianmcurtis]

I wonder just how TRUE some of this is these days mate   .

Bl88dy funny read tho\'!  :cheers .

[dwarfslapper]

can\'t please everyone i guess.Made me laugh  

[dwarfslapper]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can\'t baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don\'t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don\'t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can\'t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don\'t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can\'t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don\'t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you\'re sad is Grandpa\'s lap.




GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don\'t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today\'s mighty oak is just yesterday\'s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It\'s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
 



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you\'re down there.
 4) You\'re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from
  a roller coaster.
5) It\'s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it\'s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.




THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don\'t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.


 :rollin

[Turbotez]

Brian woke up one morning immensely aroused so he
turned over to his wife\'s side of the bed.
His wife, Lisa,
had already awakened though, and she was
downstairs
preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up,
Brian
called his little boy into the room and asked him
to
"take this note to your beautiful Mommy "

The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
To Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Lisa, grinning, answered the note and then asked
her son to "take this to your silly Daddy."

The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Brian read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to
"The lady in the kitchen."
The note read: The Tent Pole\'s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You\'re Doing,
And Come Give Me Head.

Laughing, Lisa answered the note and then asked
her son to "take this to the poor dude upstairs."

The note read: I\'m Sure That Your Pole\'s
The Best In The Land.
But I\'m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.

[Fish]

The 2 Dwarfs!

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two \'working girls\' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of :  "Here I come again ONE,TWO, THREE ... UGH!",

"Here I come again ONE,TWO, THREE ... UGH!", "Here I come again ONE,TWO,THREE ... UGH!", ....all night long.

The first mutters, "It was embarrassing I just couldn\'t get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head.  "You think that\'s embarrassing? I couldn\'t even get on the bed!"

Fish

[Fish]

Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, swhos that it deosn\'t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are; the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Fish

[Lisa]

I really should not be posting this!!! But even I had to laugh - of course none of it is true!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can\'t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It\'s one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

How do you fix a woman\'s watch?
No need: There\'s a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can\'t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He\'ll shut up once you let him in.

What\'s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won\'t do what she\'s told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn\'t know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman\'s sex drive by 90%.
It\'s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they\'re sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[FD3SNuttah]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John\'s wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I\'m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I\'m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn\'t very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.