Silly Joke Thread

[Juriën]

Hopefully I don\'t offend anyone with this..

A man walks into a toilet and takes a leak right to another man standing there. For comparison he glances over the shield and notices that his neighbour has a tatto on his equipment saying Wendy. The man, curious as he is, asks his neighbour about it. The neighbour a little irritated tells him that it\'s the name of his girlfriend.

A few months later he\'s on vacation in the Caribean, in a toilet again. Since he couldn\'t help himself, insecure as he is, he glances over the shield and notices that strangely the man beside him also has a tatto saying Wendy. He then asks his neighbour: "Hey mate, I noticed you have a tattoo saying Wendy on your equipment. Is that the name of your girlfriend?" His neigbour smiles, and says: "No it only says Wendy now" He then streches his skin and shows the man as he reads: "Welcome to Jamaica...
I hope you have a nice holliday"

 

[Ada7]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn\'t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi,Grandma, you\'re looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "They won\'t let me fart."

Adam

[Ada7]

Farmer buys some geneticaly modified grain and feed it to his chickens.
Next morning he goes to collect the eggs, only to find they are absolutely massive...as he starts picking em up, he hears an enormous roar behind him. He turns round to see the Rooster has grown to 10 feet tall...after the initial shock, he has an idea - he gets a horse harness and attaches the giant rooster to his Land Rover, and with a slight crap of a whip, they are off and running down the track. The farmer decides to try this on the open road and heads off up the dual carriageway....he craps the whip twice this time and the giant rooster puts its head down and gallops off at 80 mph....three cracks of the whip and the rooster gets up to 150 mph. They wizz past a patrol car which starts to chase them so the farmer gives the rooster six cracks of the whip...the rooster roars and accelerates so violently that the harness snaps and it dissappears into the distance, the Land Rover coasting to a halt...the cops eventually pull up alongside, get out and ask why the farmer stopped as he would have easily outrun them...
He could only reply \'my big \'ens gone\'

Adam

[Ianmcurtis]

read it all the way through,   :rollin

nick

Just did! Funny or what  :rollin

[dwarfslapper]

It\'s dark in here....

 

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.  Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch.  The woman\'s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in
the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That\'s nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad\'s outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let\'s go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can\'t, I sold my
baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The father says, "It\'s terrible to overcharge your friends like that...That
is way more than those two things cost.  I\'m going to take you
to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don\'t start that crap again, you\'re in my closet  now."

[Brett]

^------------- :rollin

[rmagictastic]

OK do this with headphones in watch very very closely.

read the below first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Read the story before watching the video ... (You need sound)


This is an advert for a car that was never shown on TV.  During editing the makers noticed a white mist on the film that appeared just as the car got to one of the bends.  The mist appeared to follow the car for some distance before disappearing.

Thinking it was some fault on the film they tried to edit it out using various techniques to no avail.  They tried re-filming the scene but the mist kept appearing in the same place.  

Further investigation revealed that several years ago a person had been killed on the same bend and had been dragged along underneath the car for several meters.  Precisely the spot where the mist appeared and disappeared.

Watch the film closely and you can see the mist appear just as the car enters the final bend and follow the car for several meters before dissipating.
The advert was never shown on TV.  Parapsycholologists could not explain the phenomenon and is now widely believed to be the first time a real ghost has been captured on film.


tar


Nick

[Ianmcurtis]

This clip has been doing the rounds for a while - the first time I saw it it claimed to be an add for some German coffee!! My advice if you\'ve not yet seen it is turn up the volume and concentrate on the clip otherwise you may not get it ;-).

[FD3SNuttah]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".


The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, "What\'s wrong with you?"


In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I\'d just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

 

 I\'m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."


The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn around "

[Ianmcurtis]

Ha ha. A good\'n there mate :-).

[kev-yorks]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.  
 
 A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue &
violet.  

The old man stared.  
 
Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.

 Finally, the teenager said sarcastically : "What\'s the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?"
 
Without missing a beat the old man replied :" Got drunk once and  had SEX with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."

[gsb876]

Dont like Paddy jokes, but one i heard at work:

Max and Paddy walking through the jungle lost on the beaten track, 50yrds ahead sits a great big Lion right on the track. Max says "paddy what we gonna do now" ?

Paddy says " not sure but i have an idea" at which he picks up a large rock and throws it as hard as he could at the lions head.

The lion roars very loudly and gets up and comes flying up the track to the 2 men, "Quick" shouts paddy "get up this tree out of the way"

Max says "pi$$ off i never threw it" !!!!!!!

 

[ro284]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird\'s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird\'s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird\'s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he\'d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John\'s outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.
John was stunned at the change in the bird\'s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"


Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she\'ll become a hooker.  She\'s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you\'ve
got a question, I\'ll be parked around the corner."
 She\'s not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?
 She says, "A hundred dollars."
 He says "Sh*t. All I\'ve got is thirty."
 She says," Hold on."
 She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

 Harry says, "A hand job". She runs back and tells the guy all he gets
 for thirty dollars is a hand job.
 He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit!
 She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I\'ll be right back."
 She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,
"Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

[Ada7]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it\'s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you\'re a
man. That\'s interesting. I\'m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There\'s nothing left, but we\'re unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here\'s another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn\'t break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Then
she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man
asks, "Aren\'t you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I\'ll just
wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are evil.

Don\'t mess with them!!

[gadj]

Can\'t guarantee the authenticity of this, but ...

In memory of a great man. Ronnie Barker RIP.

This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though god knows how many takes it took.

Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much to take in for the serial complainers.

Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms and not laughing as you read.....no chance!!
 


This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise,  there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella\'s door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who\'s fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a big bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.  

 

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived  his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.