Silly Joke Thread

[Ada7]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a  holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his  life. That is, until the ship sank!  

He found himself on an island with  no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After  about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman  he has ever seen rows up to the shore.  

In disbelief, he asks, \'Where did  you come from? How did you get here?\'  

She replies, \'I rowed from the  other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.\'  
\'Amazing,\' he notes. \'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with  you.\'  

\'Oh, this thing?\' explains the woman. \'I made the boat out of raw  materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.  I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a  Eucalyptus tree.\' &  
\'But, where did you get the tools?\'

\'Oh,  that was no problem,\' replied the woman. \'On the south side of the island, a  very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a  certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for  tools and used the tools to make the hardware.\'  

The guy is stunned.  

\'Let\'s row over to my place,\' she says.  

After a few minutes of  rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he  nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite  bungalow painted in blue and white.  

While the woman ties up the rowboat  with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As  they walk into the house, she says casually, \'It\'s not much but I call it home.  Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?\'  
\'No! No thank you,\' he blurts  out, still dazed. \'I can\'t take another drop of coconut juice.\'  

\'It\'s  not coconut juice,\' winks  the woman. \'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?\'  

Trying to  hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to  talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, \'I\'m going  to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and  shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom  
cabinet.\'  

No longer  questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a  razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground  edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.  

\'This woman  is amazing,\' he muses. \'What next?\'

When he returns, she greets him  wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of  gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

\'Tell me,\' she  begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, \'We\'ve been out here for many  months. You\'ve been lonely. There\'s something I\'m sure you’re really missing,  something you\'ve been longing for?\'  

She stares into his eyes...  

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

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\'Bloody hell, don\'t tell me you\'ve got Sky Sports?\'

[Ada7]

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
him \'Have you been in the service?.
\'Yes he says , I was in Iraq for 3 years.  The interviewer says,
\'That
will give you an extra point towards employment\' and then asks, \'Are
you

disabled in any way?.
The guy says, \'Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off\'.
The interviewer tells him, O.K. I can hire you right now.  The hours are

from 8:00AM to 4.00PM.
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM.
The guy looks puzzled and says \'If the hours are from 8.00AM to 4.00PM,
why do you want me to come in at 10.00AM\'?

\'This is a government job\', the interviewer says.

\'For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...
no point in you coming for that\'

[karl_tate]

one dark morning,
black as night,
she woke up so full of fright.
right behind her,
she could hear,
a noise which drenched her soul with fear.
with trembling hands, she switched the light,
her buttocks clenched extremely tight,
she turned and screamed for what she saw.....

was what she\'d shag*ed the night before

[Ada7]

The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss\'s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.

4: If you\'ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate\'s fridge is forbidden..
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your mate\'s birthday is strictly optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy\'s
choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who\'s playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she\'s officially your
girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you\'re
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it\'s delivered by a topless model and
only when it\'s free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you\'re in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don\'t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man\'s fly is down, that\'s his problem, you didn\'t see anything.

15: Women who claim they \'love to watch sports\' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that\'s just greedy.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly \'just a friend\' have
carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you\'re feeling weird and guilty
is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question \'What do you want for Christmas?\'
with \'If you l oved me, you\'d know what I want!\' gets an Xbox 360 End of
story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men\'s Gymnastics.
Ever.

27: We\'ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

\'GUTS\' is arriving home late after a night out with the
guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the
guts to say, \'are you still cleaning or are you flying
somewhere?\'

\'BALLS\' is coming home late after a night out with the
guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say,
\'You\'re next fatty!\'

 Adam

[willanddeb]

A man was riding his Harley Davidson along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, \'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.\' The biker pulled over and said, \'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.\'

The Lord said, \'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.\'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, \'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she\'s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing\'s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

 
 
The Lord replied, \'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?\'

[RobMatthews]

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.


NAZISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.


BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other,
and then throws the milk away...


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.


VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.


A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads,
because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called \'Cowkimon\'
and market it worldwide.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don\'t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.


A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.


A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both have mad cow disease.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the s**t out of you
and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of
Democracy........!!!!


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A WELSH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
__________________

[peterwolds]

sainsbury\'s have been warned that terrorists may have planted bombs in their own brand alphabet spagetti,police say if it goes off it could spell disaster. :flamed

[peterwolds]

this christmas we are going to get an amy winehouse christmas tree:














it comes with its own pot & drops needles everywhere

[Lisa]

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater
Glasgow

 
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
 
3. Patient\'s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
 
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
 
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
 
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.
 
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
 
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
 
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.
 
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
 
12. She is numb from her toes down.
 
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
 
14. The skin was moist and dry.
 
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
 
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
 
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
 
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
she got a divorce.
 
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.
 
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
 
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
 
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
 
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
 
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
 
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
 
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
 
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
 
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of fuel and crashed.
 
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
 
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
 
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.
 
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
a stock broker instead.
 
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.

[willanddeb]

[Ada7]

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater
Glasgow

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

PMSL!!!! :rollin :rollin

Adam

[RobMatthews]

two fish in a tank, one turns to the other says............








































you will love it...........
































i\'ll drive you man the guns   hahahahahahahahhahahahhahahaahahahahahaqahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaahahhahahhaaaahahhaahas yeah baby im on fire :Nono!

[L18M]

sorry nik da gReek & malice, jus can not stop laughing :Giggle:Giggle:Giggle
or is it just my bad sense of humour?!?!

http://www.mazdarotaryclub.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55431

[Brett]

A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job.

\'Do you have any sales experience?\' asked the manager.

\'Oh Aye; uff dunnabitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, ah\'eh barras anat, know?\', nodded the young weegie.

The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job. The young Scot\'s first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in. \'So...how many sales did you make today\'? He smiled at the boy.

The weegie said: \'Jist the wan\'.

The manager was immediately disappointed. \'Wh-a-a-t? Just one?
Harrods\'s sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for, anyway\'? £101, 237.64\' said the lad.
The Harrods manager choked. \'Blimey... One hundred and one thousand,
two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you sell him?\'

\'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gawin\' fishing, and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat.

We went down to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined
Power Cat... then he said he didn\'t think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki...\'.

The manager was now incredulous. \'Wait a minute; you mean to tell me....a
guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four?\'

\'Naw naw, big man... he came in tay buy a box of tampons furries
missus and Ah said........."Well pal, seein\' as how yer weekend\'s
f**ked, ye might as well go fishing..."\'.

[robedwards99]

I bought a new deoderant stick today....

It said take off top and push up bottom....

I\'m in casualty at the moment by by god do my farts smell sweet!