Silly Joke Thread

[Fish]

OK so we get lots of jokes on here, so I thought (which was very very painful) that if we created one thread, it gets a little easier.

Fish

[Fish]

Paddy\'s doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire"

He\'s got to £500,000. Chris Tarrent asks him the big question for 1 million quid.

"Paddy, for £1 million, who was the great train robber?

Was it -  

A, Ronnie Barker...

B, Ronnie O\'Sullivan...

C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it

D, Ronnie Biggs"

Paddy says..."Oi\'ll take de money please Chris"  

Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again says.."Nope, Oi\'ll take de money please Chris"

"You don\'t want to phone a  friend?" says Chris.

"No t\'anks, Oi\'ll take de money -  foinal answer"

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give  him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000.

However before you go, you\'ll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"

Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t\'anks Chris"

You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you  mental?"

Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but  Oi\'m no grass! "

[Martiny]

Paddy goes to the hardware store

Paddy: "Oy\'ll be wanting some two by fours, please"

Salesman: "how long do you want them?"

Paddy: "Oh, we\'re buildin\' a house with them!"

[Foxy Lady]

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the table.
She looks into her little bowl. It is empty. "Who\'s been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair..
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who\'s been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells... "For Christ\'s sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat\'s water and food dish, and now that you\'ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear\'s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I\'m only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN\'T MADE THE F*CKING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

[Foxy Lady]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter\'s helmet. The wagon is
being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to
take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the
firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks", the girl says.
The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied
her wagon to the dog\'s collar and the cat\'s testicles. "Little
Partner", the firefighter says, "I don\'t want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat\'s collar,
I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You\'re probably right, but
then I wouldn\'t have a siren."

[Fish]

MASTERCARD WEDDING
You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local Newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a large wedding with about 300 guests...At the reception after the wedding, the groom got up on Stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride\'s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone\'s chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his Bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests\' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I\'m outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.> His revenge...making the bride\'s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride\'s and best man\'s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of this:

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.........$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500.

The look on everyone\'s face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride and the best man having sex..........Priceless.

There are some things money can\'t buy, for everything else there\'s MASTERCARD

[rmagictastic]

read it all the way through,   :rollin

nick

[OLSKOOLROTAR]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing ,hunting and played golf alot and drank beer and farted when ever he wanted and saved heaps of money and was always relaxed and was a pleasure to be around and did good deeds for the community and had a full head of hair and always put his mates before himself and was always the toast of the town and was an all round nice guy and lived to be 120 years old!

THE END

[dwarfslapper]

Made me laugh out loud...............
 
Driving to the office this morning on the M25, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 mph with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!
 
It scared me (I\'m a man ) so much
that I dropped my electric shaver, which,
knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand!
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear,
which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn
BIG JIM AND  THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop
the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN
IMPORTANT  CALL!!!!!!
               
                F****NG WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!

[OLSKOOLROTAR]

Made me laugh out loud...............
 
Driving to the office this morning on the M25, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 mph with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!
 
It scared me (I\'m a man ) so much
that I dropped my electric shaver, which,
knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand!
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear,
which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn
BIG JIM AND  THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop
the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN
IMPORTANT  CALL!!!!!!
               
                F****NG WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!

pmsl, now thats quality :rollin  :rollin  :rollin

[oldone]

read it all the way through,   :rollin

nick

and I saw the rest of the family pics ....................brilliant bud

[FD3SNuttah]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn\'t have much luck until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems better than a new one, although it is ten years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great  condition for ten years.

"Well, it\'s quite simple really, " says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and it\'s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents.   Naturally they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, " I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat
dinner, we don\'t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything
during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem." he says. And they go in.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.

They sit down to dinner and sure enough no one says a word.
 
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation
and leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She\'s got a great body" he thinks. So he grabs
the   mom, bends her over the dinner table and has his way with her every
which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls out the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket.
 
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts "All right,
enough’s enough, I\'ll do the ****ing dishes!"

[Norton]

Tampax have replaced the piece of string with a piece of tinsel.

Apparently it\'s only for the christmas period though..





Groan!

[Donato]

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I\'m the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That\'s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse\'s ass and a cowboy hat. Now he\'s president of the United States."

 :cheers

[McCARTHY]

Horse walks into a bar, bar man says "Why the long face"?