Mazda Rotary Club

OK so we get lots of jokes on here, so I thought (which was very very painful) that if we created one thread, it gets a little easier.

Fish

Paddy\'s doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire"

He\'s got to £500,000. Chris Tarrent asks him the big question for 1 million quid.

"Paddy, for £1 million, who was the great train robber?

Was it -  

A, Ronnie Barker...

B, Ronnie O\'Sullivan...

C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it

D, Ronnie Biggs"

Paddy says..."Oi\'ll take de money please Chris"  

Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again says.."Nope, Oi\'ll take de money please Chris"

"You don\'t want to phone a  friend?" says Chris.

"No t\'anks, Oi\'ll take de money -  foinal answer"

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give  him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000.

However before you go, you\'ll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"

Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t\'anks Chris"

You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you  mental?"

Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but  Oi\'m no grass! "

Paddy goes to the hardware store

Paddy: "Oy\'ll be wanting some two by fours, please"

Salesman: "how long do you want them?"

Paddy: "Oh, we\'re buildin\' a house with them!"

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the table.
She looks into her little bowl. It is empty. "Who\'s been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair..
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who\'s been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells... "For Christ\'s sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat\'s water and food dish, and now that you\'ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear\'s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I\'m only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN\'T MADE THE F*CKING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter\'s helmet. The wagon is
being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to
take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the
firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks", the girl says.
The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied
her wagon to the dog\'s collar and the cat\'s testicles. "Little
Partner", the firefighter says, "I don\'t want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat\'s collar,
I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You\'re probably right, but
then I wouldn\'t have a siren."

MASTERCARD WEDDING
You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local Newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a large wedding with about 300 guests...At the reception after the wedding, the groom got up on Stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride\'s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone\'s chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his Bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests\' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I\'m outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.> His revenge...making the bride\'s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride\'s and best man\'s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of this:

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.........$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500.

The look on everyone\'s face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride and the best man having sex..........Priceless.

There are some things money can\'t buy, for everything else there\'s MASTERCARD

read it all the way through,   :rollin

nick

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing ,hunting and played golf alot and drank beer and farted when ever he wanted and saved heaps of money and was always relaxed and was a pleasure to be around and did good deeds for the community and had a full head of hair and always put his mates before himself and was always the toast of the town and was an all round nice guy and lived to be 120 years old!

THE END

Made me laugh out loud............... :D
 
Driving to the office this morning on the M25, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 mph with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!
 
It scared me (I\'m a man ) so much
that I dropped my electric shaver, which,
knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand!
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear,
which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn
BIG JIM AND  THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop
the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN
IMPORTANT  CALL!!!!!!
               
                F****NG WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!

Quote from: dwarfslapperMade me laugh out loud............... :D
 
Driving to the office this morning on the M25, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 mph with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!
 
It scared me (I\'m a man ) so much
that I dropped my electric shaver, which,
knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand!
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear,
which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn
BIG JIM AND  THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop
the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN
IMPORTANT  CALL!!!!!!
               
                F****NG WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!

pmsl, now thats quality :rollin  :rollin  :rollin

Quote from: rmagictasticread it all the way through,   :rollin

nick

and I saw the rest of the family pics ....................brilliant bud ;)

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn\'t have much luck until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems better than a new one, although it is ten years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great  condition for ten years.

"Well, it\'s quite simple really, " says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and it\'s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents.   Naturally they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, " I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat
dinner, we don\'t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything
during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem." he says. And they go in.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.

They sit down to dinner and sure enough no one says a word.
 
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation
and leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She\'s got a great body" he thinks. So he grabs
the   mom, bends her over the dinner table and has his way with her every
which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls out the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket.
 
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts "All right,
enough’s enough, I\'ll do the ****ing dishes!"

Tampax have replaced the piece of string with a piece of tinsel.

Apparently it\'s only for the christmas period though..





Groan!

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I\'m the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That\'s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse\'s ass and a cowboy hat. Now he\'s president of the United States."

 :cheers

Horse walks into a bar, bar man says "Why the long face"????

Hopefully I don\'t offend anyone with this.. ;)

A man walks into a toilet and takes a leak right to another man standing there. For comparison he glances over the shield and notices that his neighbour has a tatto on his equipment saying Wendy. The man, curious as he is, asks his neighbour about it. The neighbour a little irritated tells him that it\'s the name of his girlfriend.

A few months later he\'s on vacation in the Caribean, in a toilet again. Since he couldn\'t help himself, insecure as he is, he glances over the shield and notices that strangely the man beside him also has a tatto saying Wendy. He then asks his neighbour: "Hey mate, I noticed you have a tattoo saying Wendy on your equipment. Is that the name of your girlfriend?" His neigbour smiles, and says: "No it only says Wendy now" He then streches his skin and shows the man as he reads: "Welcome to Jamaica...
I hope you have a nice holliday"

 :D

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn\'t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi,Grandma, you\'re looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "They won\'t let me fart."

Adam

Farmer buys some geneticaly modified grain and feed it to his chickens.
Next morning he goes to collect the eggs, only to find they are absolutely massive...as he starts picking em up, he hears an enormous roar behind him. He turns round to see the Rooster has grown to 10 feet tall...after the initial shock, he has an idea - he gets a horse harness and attaches the giant rooster to his Land Rover, and with a slight crap of a whip, they are off and running down the track. The farmer decides to try this on the open road and heads off up the dual carriageway....he craps the whip twice this time and the giant rooster puts its head down and gallops off at 80 mph....three cracks of the whip and the rooster gets up to 150 mph. They wizz past a patrol car which starts to chase them so the farmer gives the rooster six cracks of the whip...the rooster roars and accelerates so violently that the harness snaps and it dissappears into the distance, the Land Rover coasting to a halt...the cops eventually pull up alongside, get out and ask why the farmer stopped as he would have easily outrun them...
He could only reply \'my big \'ens gone\'

Adam

Quote from: rmagictasticread it all the way through,   :rollin

nick

Just did! Funny or what  :rollin

It\'s dark in here....

 

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.  Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch.  The woman\'s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in
the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That\'s nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad\'s outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let\'s go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can\'t, I sold my
baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The father says, "It\'s terrible to overcharge your friends like that...That
is way more than those two things cost.  I\'m going to take you
to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don\'t start that crap again, you\'re in my closet  now."

^------------- :rollin

OK do this with headphones in watch very very closely.

read the below first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Read the story before watching the video ... (You need sound)


This is an advert for a car that was never shown on TV.  During editing the makers noticed a white mist on the film that appeared just as the car got to one of the bends.  The mist appeared to follow the car for some distance before disappearing.

Thinking it was some fault on the film they tried to edit it out using various techniques to no avail.  They tried re-filming the scene but the mist kept appearing in the same place.  

Further investigation revealed that several years ago a person had been killed on the same bend and had been dragged along underneath the car for several meters.  Precisely the spot where the mist appeared and disappeared.

Watch the film closely and you can see the mist appear just as the car enters the final bend and follow the car for several meters before dissipating.
The advert was never shown on TV.  Parapsycholologists could not explain the phenomenon and is now widely believed to be the first time a real ghost has been captured on film.


tar


Nick

This clip has been doing the rounds for a while - the first time I saw it it claimed to be an add for some German coffee!! My advice if you\'ve not yet seen it is turn up the volume and concentrate on the clip otherwise you may not get it ;-).

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".


The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, "What\'s wrong with you?"


In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I\'d just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

 

 I\'m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."


The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn around "

Ha ha. A good\'n there mate :-).

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.  
 
 A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue &
violet.  

The old man stared.  
 
Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.

 Finally, the teenager said sarcastically : "What\'s the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?"
 
Without missing a beat the old man replied :" Got drunk once and  had SEX with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."

Dont like Paddy jokes, but one i heard at work:

Max and Paddy walking through the jungle lost on the beaten track, 50yrds ahead sits a great big Lion right on the track. Max says "paddy what we gonna do now" ?

Paddy says " not sure but i have an idea" at which he picks up a large rock and throws it as hard as he could at the lions head.

The lion roars very loudly and gets up and comes flying up the track to the 2 men, "Quick" shouts paddy "get up this tree out of the way"

Max says "pi$$ off i never threw it" !!!!!!!

 :D

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird\'s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird\'s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird\'s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he\'d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John\'s outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.
John was stunned at the change in the bird\'s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"


Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she\'ll become a hooker.  She\'s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you\'ve
got a question, I\'ll be parked around the corner."
 She\'s not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?
 She says, "A hundred dollars."
 He says "Sh*t. All I\'ve got is thirty."
 She says," Hold on."
 She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

 Harry says, "A hand job". She runs back and tells the guy all he gets
 for thirty dollars is a hand job.
 He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit!
 She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I\'ll be right back."
 She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,
"Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it\'s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you\'re a
man. That\'s interesting. I\'m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There\'s nothing left, but we\'re unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here\'s another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn\'t break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Then
she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man
asks, "Aren\'t you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I\'ll just
wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are evil.

Don\'t mess with them!!

Can\'t guarantee the authenticity of this, but ...

In memory of a great man. Ronnie Barker RIP.

This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though god knows how many takes it took.

Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much to take in for the serial complainers.

Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms and not laughing as you read.....no chance!!
 


This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise,  there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella\'s door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who\'s fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a big bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.  

 

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived  his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

Dear Mum & Dad,
>
>I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
>Army is better than workin\' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick
>smart before the jobs are all gone!
>
>I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don\'t hafta getoutta
>bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before
>brekky
>is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows  to
>milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack -nothin\'!!
>
>Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there\'s lotsa hot
>water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit
>and eggs but there\'s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
>
>You don\'t get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are
>buggered because we\'ve been on a \'route march\' - geez its only just like
>walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
>
>This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
>medals for shootin\' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody
>possum\'s
>arse and it don\'t move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did
>when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last
>year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target -  
>its
>a piece of ****!!  You don\'t even load your own cartridges - they comes  in
>little boxes and ya don\'t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of
>the
>roo shooting truck when you reload!
>
>Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
>coz they break easy - it\'s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
>and
>Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
>
>Turns out I\'m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I\'m the best the
>platoon\'s got, and I\'ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the
>Engineers - he\'s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the
>shoulders  and as ya know I\'m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin\' wet,
>but I  fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
>
>I can\'t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before Word
>gets around how bloody good it is.
>
>Your loving daughter,
>
>
>
>Sheila

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years......
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman got undressed! as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me. " As she did, Dr Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.

Worse case I ever see.

Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied:.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.



Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

^  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin . Nuff said.

TOP TIPS........

DON\'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a pee before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say \'know what I\'m sayin\' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON\'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don\'t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a \'cry for help,simply shout \'Help!\' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don\'t worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD\'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they\'ve been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN: Don\'t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn\'t give a damn anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house when he\'s done.

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word \'definitely\' in a sentence.

Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green." The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall.

The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."  The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colours."

From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do f@rts have lumps?" The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that\'s silly." Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely sh1t my pants!"

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses around. Suddenly she
spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to
see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn\'t pop up right
now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a
pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you
today? " Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as
though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle? " Still smiling pleasantly, he replies,
"Madame, I\'m very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you
are going to sh1t yourself when you hear the price.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November 2004

RE: Christmas Party

I\'m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We\'ll have a
small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don\'t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone\'s pockets. This gathering is only
for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline
 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday\'s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we\'re calling it our \'Holiday Party\'.. The same policy applies to any
other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn\'t sign your name. I\'m happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn\'t be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed
now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and
Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE
ALLOWED.

Pauline.
 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2004

RE: Holiday Part

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees\'

beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I\'ve arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed
to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each
will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the
gay men\'s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no
cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low
fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt
used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste
the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.
 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2004

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I\'ve had it with you people !!! We\'re going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it, you\'ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you
slice them. I\'ve heard them scream. I\'m hearing the scream right NOW!! I
hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November 2004

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I\'m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery,
and I\'ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

I wonder just how TRUE some of this is these days mate  :( .

Bl88dy funny read tho\'!  :cheers .

can\'t please everyone i guess.Made me laugh  :)

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can\'t baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don\'t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don\'t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can\'t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don\'t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can\'t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don\'t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you\'re sad is Grandpa\'s lap.




GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don\'t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today\'s mighty oak is just yesterday\'s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It\'s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
 



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you\'re down there.
 4) You\'re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from
  a roller coaster.
5) It\'s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it\'s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.




THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don\'t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.


 :rollin

Brian woke up one morning immensely aroused so he
turned over to his wife\'s side of the bed.
His wife, Lisa,
had already awakened though, and she was
downstairs
preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up,
Brian
called his little boy into the room and asked him
to
"take this note to your beautiful Mommy "

The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
To Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Lisa, grinning, answered the note and then asked
her son to "take this to your silly Daddy."

The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Brian read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to
"The lady in the kitchen."
The note read: The Tent Pole\'s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You\'re Doing,
And Come Give Me Head.

Laughing, Lisa answered the note and then asked
her son to "take this to the poor dude upstairs."

The note read: I\'m Sure That Your Pole\'s
The Best In The Land.
But I\'m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.

The 2 Dwarfs!

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two \'working girls\' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of :  "Here I come again ONE,TWO, THREE ... UGH!",

"Here I come again ONE,TWO, THREE ... UGH!", "Here I come again ONE,TWO,THREE ... UGH!", ....all night long.

The first mutters, "It was embarrassing I just couldn\'t get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head.  "You think that\'s embarrassing? I couldn\'t even get on the bed!"

Fish

Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, swhos that it deosn\'t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are; the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Fish

I really should not be posting this!!! But even I had to laugh - of course none of it is true!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can\'t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It\'s one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

How do you fix a woman\'s watch?
No need: There\'s a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can\'t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He\'ll shut up once you let him in.

What\'s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won\'t do what she\'s told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn\'t know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman\'s sex drive by 90%.
It\'s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they\'re sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John\'s wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I\'m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I\'m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn\'t very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

On the 1st day of  Chavmas my true love sent to  me, a pikey in  
Burberry.
 
On the 2nd day  of  Chavmas my true love sent to me, two tracksuit
tops  and
a pikey in  Burberry.
 
On the 3rd day  of  Chavmas my true love sent to me, three navel  
studs,
two tracksuit tops and a pikey in  Burberry.
 
On the 4th day of  Chavmas my true love sent  to me, four stolen
phones,
three navel studs, two tracksuit tops  and a pikey in Burberry.
 
On the 5th day of  Chavmas my  true love sent to me, fiiiveee
gooolldd
riinngggs,  four  stolen phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit
tops  and
a pikey in  Burberry.
 
On the 6th day  of  Chavmas my true love sent to me, six  teens  
a-laying,
fiiiveee  gooolldd  riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs,  
  two
tracksuit tops  and a pikey in  Burberry.
 
On the 7th day of  Chavmas my true love sent  to me, seven scallies
stealing, six teens  a-laying, fiiiveee  gooolldd riinngggs, four
stolen phones,
three navel studs,  two  tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.
 
On the 8th  day of  Chavmas my true love sent to me, eight  midriffs
showing, seven scallies  stealing, six teens a-laying,  fiiiveee
gooolldd
riinngggs, four stolen  phones, three  navel studs, two tracksuit
tops and a  pikey  in
Burberry.
 
On the 9th day  of  Chavmas my true love sent to me, nine  ladies  
drinking,
eight midriffs  showing,  seven scallies stealing, six teens  
a-laying,
fiiiveee  gooolldd  riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel
studs,  two  tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.
 
On the  10th day  of Chavmas my true love sent to me, ten  lads  
joy-riding,
nine ladies  drinking,  eight midriffs showing, seven scallies
stealing,
six teens  a-laying,  fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen
phones,  three
navel studs, two  tracksuit tops and a pikey in  Burberry.
 
On the 11th day  of Chavmas my true love sent  to me, eleven prammers
pushing, ten lads  joy-riding, nine  ladies drinking, eight midriffs  
showing,  seven
scallies  stealing, six teens  a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd
riinngggs, four  stolen phones,  three navel studs, two tracksuit
tops and a pikey  in  Burberry.
 
On the 12th day  of Chavmas my  true love sent to me, twelve chavvers
chavving,  eleven  prammers pushing, ten lads joy-riding, nine  ladies drinking, eight  midriffs showing, seven scallies  stealing, six  
teens
a-laying,  fiiiveee  gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones,  three  
navel
studs, two  tracksuit tops and a  pikey in  Burberry
 
 
\'APPY  CRIMBO :guinness

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf (http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf)

The Whole Story!!!



Little Johnny watched his daddy\'s car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that
he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother,

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy\'s car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss,then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy
take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy\'s face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy\'s
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do
when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt.

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young
man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the
Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through
it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked
"OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
....... "124,237.64. pounds"

The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64 POUNDS" What the hell
did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook,
and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
going
fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a
boat, so
we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined
Power Cat. Then he said he didn\'t think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him
down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me.... a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said.........\'Well, since your weekend\'s f**ked, you might
as well go fishing."

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes
of your time, I would like to....... "F*ck off!" said the old lady.

"I haven\'t got any money" and she tried to close the door.
 Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open.

"Don\'t be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration."

 And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse **** all over her
>hallway carpet.
 "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse ****
 from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

 "Well," she said, "I hope you\'ve got a f*cking good appetite, because
 the electricity was cut off this morning."

CLASSIC VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he\'s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies in the cold.

THE END




THE NEW POLITICALLY CORRECT BRITISH VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he\'s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed, while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with pictures of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

Britons are stunned that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so much while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the ant\'s house. The BBC, interrupting a Jamaican cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome"

In an interview with Trevor McDonald, Ken Livingstone rants that the ant has become rich off the backs of grasshoppers and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper
Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant\'s taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the Government repossesses his home. The ant moves to Spain and starts a successful wine-exporting company.

A Panorama special later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the
last of the ant\'s food, though Spring is still months away, while the
council house he is in, which just happens to be the ant\'s old house,
crumbles around him because he hasn\'t bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Trevor Phillips is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose. The Daily Mirror blames it on the obvious failure of Government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequality.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain\'s multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana plantation and terrorise the community.

THE END

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don\'t fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we\'ve been together,

I can\'t help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I\'ve always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I\'ve changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you\'re not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You\'ll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,

you always said you\'d die for me.

Now that we\'ve broken up,

I think it\'s time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let\'s say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I\'m so miserable without you

it\'s almost like you\'re here.

=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we\'re having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter\'s a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it\'s really good pay.

The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and
with that classic, patronising smirk, asked, "Runway too short"?

To which I replied. "I\'m late for work"

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I\'m a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman was surprised and confused. "A what?"

"A rectum stretcher"

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole until it\'s about 6 feet"

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously, and just
what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.

Court Costs: £45.

Look on copper\'s face: Priceless....

Man carrying a mast for his yacht down the street..

Other man " Are you a pole vaulter " ?

1st Man " No, I\'m Dutch, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

^ Ha, Ha Martin :-).

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn\'t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend\'s house. The man called his wife\'s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.


Friendship between Men:

A man didn\'t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend\'s house. The woman called her husband\'s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Sky have today announced they are to televise the first international Origami tournament.





Unfortunately most people won\'t be able to see it as it will be paper view

:D

The bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest

is shivering with fear."


The lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire

savannah is afraid of me."


Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet

wets itself."

Harmless bit of fun - sorry in advance if this offends anyone - but some of these really made me laugh, and so true!!  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin

Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.

Don\'t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you\'ll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you\'ve taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they\'re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc \'tastes exactly like the real thing\', they won\'t know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you\'d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don\'t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you\'ll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy \'Next customer Please\' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don\'t worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he\'s interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes\' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to \'fast wipe\' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don\'t invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

DON\'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a **** before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I\'m sayin\'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON\'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog poos in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

CRIMINALS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90-degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid time-consuming job interviews by immediately tossing 90 percent of the applicants\' CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 note to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house while you\'re asleep by simply moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR THIEVES: Don\'t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables are usually hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a "cry for help", simply shout "Help!", thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the ocean.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: Don\'t worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD\'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they\'ve been thrown out of car windows.

Some classic\'s in there Lisa :-).

A young cowboy named Willy walks into a seedy cafe in Williams Lake.   He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy named Bud with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain\'t gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner drawls, "No son, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches out and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly drawls, "Yep, that\'s as far as I got, too..

Have a good one...

Gordon Strachan - Comedy Genius

On Wayne Rooney..."It\'s an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you\'re more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.

Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?"
Strachan: I\'ve got more important things to think about. I\'ve got a yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today.

Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I\'m just going to crumble like a wreck. I\'ll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

Reporter: There\'s no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we\'re all quite positive round here. I\'m going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No, I think they should have got George Graham because I\'m useless.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It\'s a secret.

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don\'t do impressions"

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?
Strachan: If I was English I\'d top myself!

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/upgrade-pt2/

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china,
I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything
you want after all you\'re the guv\'
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there\'s a catch. This time
Noah, I don\'t want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks
one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!" screams Noah "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you
say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last
time?"
"Yep, that\'s right, well. Sort of right. This time I want
you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want
carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get
this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Check".
"Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely
getting to the end of his tether.
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco\'s
supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce.  The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager
about the matter.  Walking into the back room, the boy said to the
manager, "some old b****rd wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to
buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.  We like people who think on
their feet here.  Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there\'s nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager.  "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really??" replied the boy. "Who\'d she play for?"

Adam

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch.
I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What\'s so
special about it?"
Bond explains, It uses Alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What\'s it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you\'re not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing\'s an hour fast."

Adam

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can\'t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn\'t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn\'t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn\'t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

^^^Grizzly, they are classics  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin  :rollin . Almost wet my self mate  :cheers

What have John Prescot, and flat pack furniture have in commom?

 
put a screw in the wrong place,
 
 
and the whole cabinet falls apart!

Whats the difference between inlaws and outlaws?





Outlaws are wanted!

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the shops.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off.

and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there\'s just no pleasing some women.
 

 :Giggle

\'Im feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet.

 


So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

 


After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for is house.

 


I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.


So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen\'s Head with me and have a beer?"


But there was no answer.

 

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"


But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

 

I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede\'s house and shouting, "Hey, in here!

 


Would you like to go to The Queen\'s Head and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:...........................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


















Wait for it...!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 























I heard you the first time! I\'m putting my f***ing shoes on!

Fish

^ I\'d like to see that when it\'s \'legless\' :-).

Management Lessons.................... so true  :Giggle



Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered, "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven\'t got the energy."

"Well, why don\'t you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They\'re packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of manure and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a week, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won\'t keep you there.


Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) When you\'re in deep ****, it\'s best to keep your mouth shut.



This ends your two-minute management course. Remember your lessons well.

***DVLA NEWSFLASH:***

 

 

 

In order to assist other motorists to identify potentially dangerous
drivers, it\'s now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and
driving ability to display a warning flag.

 

 

 

The flag (comprising of a red cross on a white background) will be
attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.

 

 

 

For drivers of exceptionally low mental ability, additional flags are
required.

A group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.



The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your wages on accessories.

The Tong Master


Griff was at the barbecue and Joel was at the barbecue and I was at the barbecue; three men standing around a barbecue, sipping beer, staring at sausages, rolling them backwards and forwards, never leaving them alone. We didn\'t know why we were at the barbecue; we were just drawn there like moths to a flame. The barbecue was a powerful gravitational force, a man-magnet. Joel said the thin ones could use a turn, I said yeah I reckon the thin ones could use a turn, Griff said yeah they really need a turn it was a unanimous turning decision. Griff was the Tong-Master, a true artist, he gave a couple of practice snaps of his long silver tongs, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of his wrist, rolling them onto their little backs. A lesser tong-man would\'ve flicked too hard; the sausages would\'ve gone full circle, back to where they started. Nice, I said. The others went yeah.

Kevin was passing us, he heard the siren-song-sizzle of the snags, the barbecue was calling, beckoning, Kevinnnnn...come. He stuck his head in and said any room? We said yeah and began the barbecue shuffle; Griff shuffled to the left, Joel shuffled to the left, I shuffled to the left, Kevin slipped in beside me, we sipped our beer. Now there were four of us staring at sausages, and Griff gave me the nod, my cue. I was second-in-command, and I had to take the raw sausages out of the plastic bag and lay them on the barbecue; not too close together, not too far apart, curl them into each other\'s bodies like lovers -fat ones, thin ones, herbed and continental. The chipolatas were tiny, they could easily slip down between the grill, falling into the molten hot-bead-netherworld below. Carefully I laid them sideways ACROSS the grill, clever thinking. Griff snapped his tongs with approval; there was no greater barbecue honour.

P.J. came along, he said looking good, looking good -the irresistible lure of the barbecue had pulled him in too. We said yeah and did the shuffle, left, left, left, left, he slipped in beside Kevin, we sipped our beer. Five men, lots of sausages. Joel was the Fork-pronger; he had the fork that pronged the tough hides of the Bavarian bratwursts and he showed a lot of promise. Stabbing away eagerly, leaving perfect little vampire holes up and down the casing. P.J. was shaking his head; he said I reckon they cook better if you don\'t poke them. There was along silence, you could have heard a chipolata drop, and this newcomer was a rabble-rouser, bringing in his crazy ideas from outside. He didn\'t understand the hierarchy; first the Tong-master, then the Sausage-layer, then the Fork-pronger -and everyone below was just a watcher. Maybe eventually they\'ll move up the ladder, but for now - don\'t rock the Weber.

Dianne popped her head in; hmmm, smells good, she said. She was trying to jostle into the circle; we closed ranks, pulling our heads down and our shoulders in, mumbling yeah yeah yeah, but making no room for her. She was keen, going round to the far side of the barbecue, heading for the only available space . . . the gap in the circle where all the smoke and ashes blew. Nobody could survive the gap; Dianne was going to try. She stood there stubbornly, smoke blinding her eyes, ashes filling her nostrils, sausage fat spattering all over her arms and face. Until she couldn\'t take it anymore, she gave up, backed off. Kevin waited till she was gone and sipped his beer. We sipped our beer, yeah.

Griff handed me his tongs. I looked at him and he nodded. I knew what was happening, I\'d waited a long time for this moment - the abdication. The tongs weighed heavy in my hands, firm in my grip - was Ready for the responsibility? Yes, I was. I held them up high and they glinted in the sun. Don\'t forget to turn the thin ones Griff said as he walked away from the barbecue, disappearing toward the house. Yeah Called back, I will, I will. I snapped them twice, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of my wrist, rolling them back onto their little bellies. I was a natural, I was the TONG- MASTER.

But only until Griff got back from the toilet.

Bloke goes to a zoo.

He gets there and they only have a dog.. nothing else.










































It was a sh1tzu..

Q: What do you call a chav in a box?
A: init

Q: What do you call a chav in a blender?
A: init moosh

British world cup fan defence training school....
http://www.filecabi.net/video/brits.html

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I Have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I
don\'t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can\'t you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You\'re just
not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn\'t decide which
one to take so I told her we\'ll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one
wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn\'t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That\'s fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, Let\'s go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don\'t
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while..
You\'re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"Why can\'t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I\'m not getting any tonight either.

Q. What\'s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

10 Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter

1) If you pull into my driveway and honk you\'d better be delivering a package, because your sure not picking anything up..

2) You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands of my daughter\'s body, I will remove them..

3) I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, i want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, i will take my electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your waist...

4) I’m sure you\'ve been told that in today’s world, sex, without using a \'barrier method\' of some kind, can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you...

5) It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word i need from you on this subject is \'early\'....

6) I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out my girl, you will continue to date no-one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry...

7) As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more then an hour goes past, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer then painting the golden gate bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car.....

8 ) The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer then a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything or anything other then overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies that feature
chainsaws are ok, hockey games are ok. old folks; home are better...

9) Do not lie to me, I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter. I am the all knowing, merciless god of your universe. If i ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle wit me....

10) Be afraid, be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as i wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway your should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, the return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.....

Just got sent this! Classic :rollin

Adam

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I\'d better see a doctor."
"Listen, don\'t waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There\'s a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine  sample and the
computer will tell you what\'s wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker
and better than a doctor".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to  Asda. He
deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds  
later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,  
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife
and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He  
deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
 The computer prints the following:
 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
 3. Your daughter has a drug habit. Get her into rehab.
 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren\'t yours. Get a lawyer.
 5. And if you don\'t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will  never get better..........
Thank you for shopping at Asda.

Four friends, who hadn\'t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.  Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy.  He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.  He  studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he\'s the president of the company.  He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that\'s terrific!  My son is also my pride and  joy.  He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.  Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.  He\'s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that\'s terrific!  My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer.  Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.  He also gave away something  very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"  One the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"  The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a  stripper at a night-club."

The three friends said: What a shame...what disappointment."  The fourth man replied: "No, I\'m not ashamed.  He\'s my son and I love him  and he hasn\'t done too bad either.  His birthday was two weeks ago,and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Adam

^^ Two class jokes there fellas, but Adam just steals it for me :Thumbs-up :rollin

Q: Why did France ban fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Last night\'s display caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.

Q: How do you get France involved in a war with Iraq?
A: You must first convince them that Saddam is hiding fields of truffles.

Q: What do you call a group of 100,000 Frenchman with their hands in the air?
A: The French Army

Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris?   
A: Nobody knows, no French man has ever tried.

Q: Why does the new French Navy have glassbottom boats?
A: So they can see the old French Navy....

Q: How can you recognise a French veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?
A: Never been fired, dropped only once.

Q: How many gears in a French tank?
A: Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from behind.

Q: Whats the difference between a frenchman and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast

:Giggle

http://bilik.org/download/mp3/Hu-is-the-president.mp3

^^ LOL. Good find :Thumbs-up  ...and me being such a Gee Dubya fan :Giggle

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can\'t take that chance."

Fish

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. \'It\'s very brave of you to come out here,\' says Matthew. \'Please tell the audience what happened?\'

\'Well\' replies Simon \'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident.

Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.\' \'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn\'t save my legs.\'

\'That\'s terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? \'asks Matthew.

\'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.

I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: \'That\'s an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?\'

Scroll down...

Keep going this is great....

It\'s worth it honest.....




\'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle\'

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
 
>>beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives
the
Rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks
the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
>>
>>The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the
rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives
the rabbit
The pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
>>
>>The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A
pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is
hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then
burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
>>
>>The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
Been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
More money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit
and
says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman",
>>
>>smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says,
"I\'m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham
And Cheese Toasties".
>>
>>The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
When the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very
Nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and
says,
"Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear
Shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think
that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you\'ll love it".
"Ok" says the rabbit,"I\'ll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie".
>>The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles
The toastie,he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
>>
>>....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
>>
>>One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
Has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When
he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating
above the bar. The barman says,
>>
>>"Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit
That used to frequent your public house".
>>
>>The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come
In every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses
came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I
know".
>>
>>The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn\'t have any
Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The
rabbit
Said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You
Never came back, what happened?"
>>
>>"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
>>
>>"NO!" said the barman, "what from".
>>
>>After a short pause. The rabbit said...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Wait for it............................................
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Its good.......................................
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>"Mixin\'-me-toasties".

A Blonde Goes to the Library?

  Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

Sobriety Test  
 
  A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can\'t do that. If I do that, I\'ll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let\'s go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can\'t do that. I\'m a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let\'s go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can\'t do that. I\'m a hemophiliac and I\'ll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can\'t do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I\'m drunk."  


Rixio:Thumbs-up

MRC DISCLAIMER - THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE CAMPERS!!! LOL.

John: Hey Steve, I have two questions.

Steve: Yeh, what?

John: OK. Say you went camping with some friends, got really p*ssed and passed out in your tent. In the middle of the night you wake up and realise there\'s some vaseline around your sore arse. You look over, and on the other side of your tent you see one of your friends, sound asleep. Do you tell anyone?

Steve: That\'s disgusting. But no, I\'d be too embarassed to tell anyone.

John: Wanna go camping?

You can\'t make this stuff up...

Some funny comic strips :D:D

Adam

Ada7 those are great, LOL

This made me laugh:

QuoteThe following questions about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Web site and the answers are the actual responses by the site webmaster, who obviously has a typical Australian sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA but not Virginia )
A: Depends how much you\'ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it\'s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it\'s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Harvey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA but still not Virginia)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.. oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA ... whatever...)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we\'ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys\' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It\'s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It\'s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don\'t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you\'ll have to learn it first

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, “ Dad how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father surprised answers well son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties. A woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty they are like onions. Onions? Yes, see them and they make you cry.
This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said “mum, how many kinds of penises are there, well dear a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties. His penis is like an oak tree mighty and hard, in his thirties and, its like a birch tree flexible but reliable. Forties
After fifty, its like a Christmas tree, a  Christmas tree?.

Yes dear dead from the root up, and the balls are there for decoration only!

^^^ :rollin :Thumbs-up    I thought I\'d use a festive smilie early given the ending of the joke :Santa

Nice one.

Journalists recently asked Paul McCartney after his marriage split if he\'d ever go down on one knee again?

He said, I\'d prefer it if you called her Heather :)

Q:  What do you get if you invite 50 politicians and 50 lesbians to a party?
A:  A room full of people that dont do d1ck!!!

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What\'s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What\'s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What\'s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What\'s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how Australians practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X\'s on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it\'s worth it.

Q What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A For traction in the mud.

Q: What\'s the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It\'s not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What\'s the difference between a girl friend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What\'s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don\'t have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don\'t have balls to scratch

knock at the door this morning,looked through the window to see a muslim woman stood there in total outfit with veil.
didnt open the door talked to her through the letterbox to see how she liked it

What is the difference between a cop with a speed gun, and cunnilingus?

With cunnilingus you can see the (insert very rude word) behind the bush!

Roflmfaouiwm

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma\'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I\'d give it to you but I don\'t have one.

Officer: Don\'t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can\'t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma\'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma\'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma\'am, one of my officers told me you didn\'t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. :D:D

Adam

Joke removed: it was post number 13 !!!

(http://www.plankdoo.com/pics/why-doesnt-this-work.jpg)

nice :) :)

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1\'s UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they\'re rubbing each other and he\'s just come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis\'s misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards\' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post\'s Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy\'s formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There\'s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott\'s breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You\'d eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn\'t, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where\'s that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It\'s like they\'ve got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn\'t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

These are fantastic!!!
 

 

What\'s the definition of the bravest man in the world?

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of

perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You\'re next,

fatty."

********************************************************************

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife

is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when

you\'ve got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you\'ll find, that is a

sheep." Man replies: "I think you\'ll find I was talking to the sheep."

*******************************************************************

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He

asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I\'m moving to Sydney. I

heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and

sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he\'s

going, he replies, "I\'m coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

*******************************************************************

* half a dozen tomatoes

* a 500g jar of coffee

* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued

by the derelict\'s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked

at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about

her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you\'re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you\'re minging"

There are 10 types of people.

Those that understand binary, and those that dont.

Youve probably all heard this before but it aint on here so Im stickin it on anyway:-

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!!


A Lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the
policy the Lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small Fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the Man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. And WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the Claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the Company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also Guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is Considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim!

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance Company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the Cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested On 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning
his insured Property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!
:Giggle :Giggle :Giggle :Giggle

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we\'re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah\'m pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an\' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said \'Don\'t ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?\'
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.
Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy.
" Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. \'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?\'"
Wee Jock\'s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know!
Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the
front: "Yes Timothy." Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):
"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he\'s been studying encyclopaedias all week and he\'s ready for anything that comes.
He\'s coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said \'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind\'?"

Wee Jock\'s arm shoots straight in the air, he\'s standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!" Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert." Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.."

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur f***s sake, WHERE did all these English B******S come from?"
Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"

Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,
"Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on f**k\'in Tuesday!!"

THIS DOES MAKE YOU THINK:
 
 
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,  "Let\'s talk. I\'ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
 
 
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
 
 "Oh, I don\'t know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
 
"OK". She said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask  you a question first.
 
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,  while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
 
 
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
 
 "And you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don\'t know about sh--!   Now let me read my book

Did you hear about the bloke from Essex wanting to sell his mint TII.

The blokes MAD I tell you, stark raving loony. :D

Fish

Surely thats an urban myth....

Two blondes walk into a building..........you\'d think at
least one of them would have seen  it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, pres the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm
for shorts.  The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you\'re nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn\'t find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he couldn\'t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No,
the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.  A strong currant
pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can\'t feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can\'t, I\'ve cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a
fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can\'t have
your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered with hundreds and thousands.   Police say that he topped
himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a  strawberry growing out
of his head.  Doc says "I\'ll give you some cream to put on it."

Doc I can\'t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of
Home\'  "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.\' Is it common? \'
"It\'s not unusual."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog\'s
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet,
"let\'s have a look at him."  So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes, then checks his teeth.  Finally, he says, "I\'m going to have to put him down." "What? Because he\'s cross-eyed?" "No, because he\'s really heavy"

Guy  goes into the doctor\'s. "Doc, I\'ve got a cricket
ball stuck up my backside." "How\'s that?" "Don\'t you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no  eyes?  A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world\'s your
oyster, go for it.\'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It\'s either
my mum or my  Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger  Brother
Ho-Cha-Chu?  But I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your
round." The other one says "So are you, you fat boy!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.  
They charged one and let the other one off

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today.  They left a little note on the windscreen.  It said,
\'Parking Fine.\'  So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I\'ve hurt my
arm in several places." The doctor said, "Well don\'t go there anymore"

Ireland\'s worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

magic Lisa good laugh at tommy cooper jokes,am old enough to remember seeing him when he collapsed on stage & died - pity no humour like that anymore

oh the old ones are the best.....

1) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. (ouch)

2) Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3) Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He is all right now.

4) The roundest knight at King Arthur\'s round table was Sir Cumference.

5) To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

6) When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

7) The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

8) A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

9) A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

10) Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

11) We\'ll never run out of math teachers, because they
always multiply.

12) When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

13) The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

14) The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

15) The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

16) If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

17) A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
18) Two maggots were fighting in dead Earnest.

19) When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

20) You are stuck with your debt, if you can\'t budge it.

21) He broke into song, because he could not find the key.

22) A boiled egg is hard to beat.

23) Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A couple had only been married for two weeks.  The husband, although very
much in love, couldn\'t wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies.


So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I\'ll be right back."


"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.


"I\'m  going to the bar, Pretty Face.  I\'m going to have a beer."





The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.





The husband didn\'t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses...  "


He didn\'t get to finish the  sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"


She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.





The husband, looking a bit pale,  said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d\'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won\'t be
long. I\'ll be right  back.  I promise.  OK?"


"You want hors d\'oeuvres, Poochie h?"  She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d\'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in  blankets,
mushroom caps, and pork strips.





"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there\'s swearing, dirty words
and all that..."



"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? ....."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD!  SIT DOWN,
SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT
YOUR F*CKIN\' HORS D\'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN\'T
GOING TO A F*CKIN\' BAR!  THAT SH*IT IS OVER...GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"



..and, they lived happily ever after

Mark

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill\'s comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and

I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you
could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only
five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The air bag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.

10. You\'d have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

I was sent this earlyer by one of the lads..... I was quite worried at first as I thought he was coming on to me!!!
Dont worry Im not a shirt lifter so please read on!!!

Don\'t tell anyone........ I\'m gonna go down on you!!
And your going to love it. but it\'s only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it.
Then I\'m going to come back up again & FCUK you big time!!
Yours sincerely
Petrol prices xx




Jono

(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I\'ll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don\'t you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we\'ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor\'s office and shouted "Doctor! I think I\'m shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You\'ll just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

(By the way, the guy who wrote these 10 puns entered them in a contest. He figured with 10 entries, he couldn\'t lose. As they were reading the list of winners, he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.)

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden. ......
>
>
>
>"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
>
>"Is, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
>
>
>
>So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
>
>
>
>There\'s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there\'s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
>
>
>
>"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
>
>"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don\'t forget"
>
>
>
>"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
>
>
>
>And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but. True friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
>
>
>
>"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"
>
>
>
>"Luis Luis MI amigo...what ees it?
>
>
>
>"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..
>
>
>
>Ees
>
>
>
>Ees
>
>
>
>Ees
>
>
>
>Ees
>
>
>
>Eees a Ham Bush.

Technology for country folk

 1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.


2. LOG OFF: Don\'t add no more wood.


3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.


4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truck.


5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.


6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much
farwood.


7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.


8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.


9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain\'t in the winter time.


10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it\'s cold outside.


11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it\'s blak fly season.


12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.


13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.


14. MICRO CHIP: Whut\'s in the bottom of the munchie bag.


15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.


16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix\'s wife.


17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.


18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.


19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.


20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.


21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.


22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine


23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C\'mon in y\'all"


24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain\'t \'member whut ya
paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.


25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says sure.

The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse\'s ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guys walks in and the bartender gives him the drinks. The next night the same guy and the same thing happens.

The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes out side and a few minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying.

The bartender says \'o.k. you can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh.\'

The cowboy said, \'I told him my privates are bigger than his.\'

\'O.K. but how did you make him cry?\'

The cowboy replied, \'I proved it to him.\'

pavarotti gets to heaven & meets st.peter who asks him to follow him.he takes him to god & says "god here  is that tenor i owe you"

that\'s the first one I\'ve heard - made me laugh

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women\'s breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Being as this is a silly joke thread, i have a silly joke.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
























Walk

Deter ======= fend off,
Detered======fended off.
Undetered=
































=====Skidmark

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.



They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.



As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.



The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.



They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.



They couldn\'t help but stare.



As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually,then she passed on by. They were both stunned.



How in the world did she know they were priests?



So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!



Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.



After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.



Again she nodded at each of them, said





"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.



One of the priests couldn\'t stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, yo ung lady." "Yes, Father?"



"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"



She replied,



"Father, it\'s me, Sister Margaret."

One winter morning a couple were listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so that the snowploughs can get through."

So Norman\'s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

Norman\'s wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today you must park ..." Then the power goes out.

Norman\'s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don\'t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says


"Why don\'t you just leave it in the garage this time honey?"

What do you call an audi with ducks stuck in the wheel arches? 4 sprung duck technique

:Thumbs-up  The Sensitive Man

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn\'t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other\'s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................


"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the
 course of the meal; his mother couldn\'t help but notice how handsome
 Peter\'s flatmate, Simon, was.

 She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
 this only made her more curious.

 Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
 started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate
 than met the eye.

 Reading his mum\'s thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must
 be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".

 About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your
 mother came to dinner, I\'ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don\'t
 suppose she took it do you?


 " Well I doubt it, but I\'ll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter.
 So he sat down and wrote



 DEAR MOTHER,
 I\'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I\'M
 NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS
 THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
 LOVE PETER

 Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which
 read



 DEAR SON,
 I\'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I\'M NOT SAYING
 THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS
 SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN
 BY NOW.



 LOVE MUM

 Lesson of the day,



 NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

>* Obsession * A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
>with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have
obsessions,"
>he observed.To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with
>eating. You\'ve even named your daughter Candy."He turned to the second
>Mom,
>Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your
>child \' s name, Penny."   He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your
obsession
>is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child \' s name,
>Brandy."At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her
>little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we \' re leaving."

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I\'m 83 years old now and I\'m just full of aches and pains. I know you\'re about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just peed my diaper."

Olympics
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.
The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.
While walking, the Scotsman sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also.
The Irishman is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."



A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee she\'s fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy\'s ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I\'ll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run, she\'s backing up!!"
 I

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to
Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I
better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don\'t have to spend that kind of money," Mike
replies. "There\'s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore
at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer\'ll tell you what\'s wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a
lot cheaper than a doctor."
   
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes
it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the
computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours
the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks.
 
That evening while thinking how amazing this new
technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could
be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from
his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack
hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and
awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
 
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren\'t yours.
Get a lawyer.
5. If you don\'t stop playing with yourself, your elbow
will never get better.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o\'clock in the morning  by a loud pounding on the door.......
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o\'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push" he answers
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No. I did not. It is three o\'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Can\'t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told .......(of course), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

was feeling all depressed yesterday...

rang the samaritans and got put through to a call centre in afghanistan..

told them i was suicidal..

they got all excited and asked if i could fly a plane!!

This made me laugh...

http://www.b3ta.com/board/6045721

http://www.b3ta.com/board/6045226

The Guys\' Rules*******************

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys\' side of the story.
We always hear \'the rules\' from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered \'1\' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You\'re a big girl. If it\'s up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don\'t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It\'s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That\'s what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won\'t dress like the Victoria\'s Secret girls, don\'t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you\'re fat, you probably are. Don\'t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say \'nothing,\' We will act like nothing\'s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don\'t want an answer to,! Expect an answer you don\'t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don\'t ask us what we\'re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Rugby, football information, or golf        

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don\'t mind that? It\'s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh

Whats ET short for???


Coz he\'s only got little legs....

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I\'ll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver?

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I\'m not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.

"OK, I know what you want; I\'ll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."

Quote from: nick englishOne day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I\'ll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver?

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I\'m not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.

"OK, I know what you want; I\'ll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."

:rollin :rollin :rollin

Jack decided to go skiing with his
> buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack\'s minivan and
> headed north. After driving for a few hours, they
> got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled
> into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
> answered he door if they could spend the night.
>
> "I realize it\'s terrible weather out
> there and I have this huge house all to myself, but
> I\'m recently widowed," she explained. "I\'m afraid
> the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
> house"
>
> "Don\'t worry," Jack said. "We\'ll be
> happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather
> breaks, we\'ll be gone at first light." The lady
> agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn
> and settled in for the night.
>
> Come morning, the weather had cleared,
> and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great
> weekend of skiing.
>
> But about nine months later, Jack got
> an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a
> few mi nutes to figure it out, but he finally
> determined that it was from the attorney of that
> attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
>
> He dropped in on his friend Bob and
> asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow
> from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
> north about 9 months ago?"
> "Yes, I do." said Bob
>>
> "Did you, er, happen to get up in the
> middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her
> a visit?"
>
> "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little
> embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit
> that I did."
>
> "And did you happen to use my name
> instead of telling her your name?"
>
> Bob\'s face turned beet red and he
> said, "Yeah, look, I\'m sorry, buddy. I\'m afraid I
> did." Why do you ask?"
>
> "She just died and left me
> everything."
>
> (And you thought the ending would be
> different, didn\'t you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

Below are four questions.
You have to answer them instantly. You can\'t take
your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


First Question:

You\'re participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in now?

Second Question:

IF you overtake the last person in the same race, then you are
.........?


Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic!

Note: This must be done in your head only, no calculator or pencil
and
paper. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add
another
1000.
Now add 20. Now add another 1000. And finally, add 10. What is the
total?


Fourth Question:

Mary\'s father has five daughters:


Nana, Nene, Nini, and Nono.

What is the name of the 5th daughter

All done, now check your answers







First Question Answer:
> > If you answered that you are now in first place, then you are
>absolutely
> > wrong!
> > If you overtook the second person then you took his place which is
>second!


Answer to Second Question:
> > If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again!
> > Please explain to me, how can you overtake the last person?


Answer to Third Question:
> >
> > Did you get 5000?
> > The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don\'t believe me, check
it
> > with a calculator.


Answer to Fourth Question:
> >
> > Did you answer Nunu?
> >
> > No! Of course it isn\'t. Her name is Mary. Read the question again

this is probably old but here it is
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the
same tag-line....

Sainsbury condoms - Making life taste better.

Tesco condoms - Every little helps.

Nike condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels condoms - Melt in your mouth, not your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey national condoms - Because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever ready condoms - Keeps going and going.

Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can\'t stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.

Goodyear condoms - For a longer ride go wide.

FCUK condoms - No comment required.

Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where\'s the pain.

Halfords condoms - We go the extra mile.

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.

Renault condoms - Size really does matter.

Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin.

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - Its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes.

Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim (please).

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.

Carlsberg condoms - Probably the best condoms in the world.

AA condoms - For our customers we\'re the 4th emergency service.

Pepperami condoms - Its a bit of an animal.

Polo condoms - The condom with the hole.
__________________

By the time you read through this you WILL understand
 \'TENJOOBERRYMUDS\'

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest
and call room-service somewhere in England today......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I\'d like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... don\'t thi nk so."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don\'t know what \'judo wan
sahn toes\' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin
we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!!  I\'ve got it! You were saying
\'toast\'...   Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that\'s everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we
bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You\'re welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
\'TENJOOBERRYMUDS\' ".....and you do don\'t you?:D

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.



2nd woman: Hi! I\'m Sylvia. How\'d you die?



1st woman: I froze to death.



2nd woman: How horrible!



1st woman: It wasn\'t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I Began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What About you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my Husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had Looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just Keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn\'t look in the freezer ---we\'d both still be alive.

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down


Finally , the guys\' side of the story.
( I must admit, it\'s pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You\'re a big girl. If it\'s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don\'t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It\'s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That\'s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you\'re fat, you probably are.
Don\'t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing\'s wrong..
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don\'t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don\'t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don\'t ask us what we\'re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don\'t mind that? It\'s like camping.

Eight Words with two Meanings


1.  THINGY (thing-ee) n.  
Female......  Any part under a car\'s hood.  
Male.....  The strap fastener on a woman\'s bra.  

2.  VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.  
Female....  Fully opening up one\'s self emotionally to another.  
Male....  Playing football without a cup.  

3.  COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .  
Female...  The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one\'s  partner.  
Male...  Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.  

4.  COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.  
Female....  A desire to get married and raise a family!  
Male......  Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.  

5.  ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.  
Female....  A good movie, concert, play or book.  
Male......  Anything that can be done while drinking beer.  

6.  FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.  
Female....  An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.  
Male......  A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.  

7  MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.  
Female......  The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.  
Male..  Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.  

8.  REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.  
Female....  A device for changing from one TV channel to  another.  
Male...  A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.  

AND

He said - I don\'t know why you wear a bra; you\'ve got nothing to put in it.
She said - You wear pants don\'t you?  

He  said - Shall we try swapping positions  tonight?  
She said - That\'s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!  

He  said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave  you?  
She  said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

Eight Words with two Meanings


1.  THINGY (thing-ee) n.  
Female......  Any part under a car\'s hood.  
Male.....  The strap fastener on a woman\'s bra.  

2.  VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.  
Female....  Fully opening up one\'s self emotionally to another.  
Male....  Playing football without a cup.  

3.  COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .  
Female...  The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one\'s  partner.  
Male...  Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.  

4.  COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.  
Female....  A desire to get married and raise a family!  
Male......  Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.  

5.  ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.  
Female....  A good movie, concert, play or book.  
Male......  Anything that can be done while drinking beer.  

6.  FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.  
Female....  An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.  
Male......  A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.  

7  MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.  
Female......  The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.  
Male..  Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.  

8.  REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.  
Female....  A device for changing from one TV channel to  another.  
Male...  A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.  

AND

He said - I don\'t know why you wear a bra; you\'ve got nothing to put in it.
She said - You wear pants don\'t you?  

He  said - Shall we try swapping positions  tonight?  
She said - That\'s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!  

He  said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave  you?  
She  said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

"Hello?"



"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"



"No Daddy. She\'s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."



After a brief pause,



Daddy says, "But honey, you haven\'t got an Uncle Paul."



"Oh yes I do, and he\'s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."



Brief Pause.


"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy\'s car just pulled into the driveway."







"Okay Daddy, just a minute."



A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.



"I did it Daddy."







"And what happened honey?"


"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn\'t moving at all!"




"Oh my God!!!



What about your Uncle Paul?"



"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn\'t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he\'s dead."





***Long Pause***





***Longer Pause***



***Even Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?





Is this 486-5731?"







"No, this is 486-5713....."





"sorry wrong number"

i\'ve just had a bad car accident. i hit three people on a zebra crossing. the first one went through my windscreen, the second one dented my bonnet and the third one got thrown 200 meters up the road.

the cops have been fanastic. the first one got charged with breaking and entering the second got charged for destroying private property and the third got done for leaving the scene of an accident.

A link on why you should keep your house clean!
hope this is acceptable! if its pushing the boundries of the rules ten please accept my apogies and remove the link

here it is
http://www.idkwtf.com/videos/latest-videos/550-keep-your-house-clean

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it\'s not Walter who\'s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, during which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kiwi Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn\'t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I\'ll shoot," the man shouted, "That\'s not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart."
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn\'t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition: The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

They still had the trailer attached to the bottom of the boat.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been
with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records
were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when
to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn\'t always fair,
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don\'t spend more than you earn)
and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations
were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing
a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves
failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student;
but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating
when you couldn\'t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the intruder can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee
was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights,
Someone Else is to Blame, and I\'m a Victim.

After numerous rounds of "We don\'t even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he\'s holding the message upside down."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, \'What is Politics?\'


Dad says, \'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:


I am the head of the family, so call me The President.


Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.


And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.


Now think about that and see if it makes sense..\'


So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.


Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent\'s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny\'s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.


He gives up and goes back to bed .


The next morning, the little boy says to his father, \'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. \'


The father says, \'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.\'


The little boy replies, \'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****\'

An employee calls his boss from home and says "I wont be coming in today" The boss replies "why not?" The employee says " i\'ve got anal blindness, i cant see my ass getting out of bed today"

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

\'Why so little,\' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, \'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.\'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird\'s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,\'New house, new madam.\'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought \'that\'s really not so bad.\'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said,

\'New house, new madam, new girls.\'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman\'s husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, \'Hi Keith\'

Why does Edward Woodward have so mant letter \'d\'s in his name?







\'Cos if he didnt he\'d be called Ewar Woowar :D :D

(You MUST read them aloud)

English Chinese
That\'s not right Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat

It\'s very dark in here Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He\'s cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2007
  6th  Place
It  was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

\'Would you  like dinner?\' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

\'What are my choices?\' the man asked.

\'Yes or no,\' she replied.


________________________________



  5th  Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

\'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.\'



________________________________



4th  Place
A  lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury\'s but she  couldn\'t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing  assistant, \'Do these turkeys get any bigger?\'

The assistant replied, \'  I\'m afraid not, they\'re dead.\'



________________________________



3rd  Place
The policeman got out of  his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

\'I\'ve  been waiting for you all day,\' the bobby said.

The kid replied, \'Yes,  well I got here as fast as I could.\'

When the policeman finally stopped  laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



________________________________



2nd  Place
A  lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that  read \' Low Bridge Ahead.\'

Before he realised it, the bridge was  directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for  miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

  The policeman got out of  his car and walked to the lorry\'s cab and said to the  driver,

\'Got stuck, eh?\'

The lorry driver said, \'No, I was  delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!\'



________________________________






 SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR  2007

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her  pupils of tomorrow\'s final exam.

\'Now listen to me, I won\'t tolerate  any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.


I might consider a  nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your  immediate family, but that\'s it, no other excuses whatsoever!\'

A  smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

\'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete  and utter sexual exhaustion?\'

 The entire class was reduced to laughter  and sniggering.

 When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly  at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

\'Well, I suppose  you\'d have to write with your other hand\'.

Q - What is E.T short for ????













A - Because he has little legs :Laugh

I saw a tramp today wearing one shoe,

I asked him "hey mate, you lost a shoe?"

Tramp goes " nah mate, i found one"

A man walks into a bar and says "  who put that there" !! :D

sorry if this is too rude!

There was a young vampire named Mabel

Whose periods were really quite stable

For every full moon

She would take out a spoon

And drink herself under the table.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -- "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I\'m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they\'ll be the last words you\'ll ever say to me!!

And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn\'t eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn\'t eat because you\'re afraid you\'ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, But don\'t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don\'t use because I don\'t have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don\'t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don\'t use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn\'t use?"

how do you get a one armed blonde down from a tree?
.
.
.
.
.
.
just wave to her:wave

2 pensioners get married.
on the honey moon night the husband asked how often she would like to make love ?
she replied "infrequently"
he asked " is that one word or two ? "

Afghan TV
This is a bit bad but funny nontheless

6.00: G-Had TV.
Morning prayers.

8.30: Talitubbies.
Talitubbies say "Eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

9.00: Shouts of Praise.
More prayers.

11.00: Jihad\'s Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12.30: Panoramadan.
The programme reports on America\'s attempts to take over the world.

13.30: Xena.
Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14.00: Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14.30: Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15.00: Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. \'Starter for ten, no praying.\'

15.30: I Love 629.
A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet\'s entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16.00: Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

16.30: Countdown.
Can the American prisoners defuse the bomb in their cell before the timer runs down?

17.00: Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17.30: Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.

18.00: Holiday.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18.30: Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19.00: Who wants to be a Mujahadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go \'inshallah\', or ask the Islamic council?

20.00: FILM: Shariah\'s Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30: Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22.00: Imam Ted.
Sitcom about three imams who live on a tiny island in the Persian Gulf. This week, Imam Dhuga\'il accidently burns down the mosque, while Imam Jakh is stoned to death for drinking alcohol.

22.30: Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23.30: They think it\'s Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the \'Don\'t feel the Mullah\' round.

Midnight: When Imams Attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

00:.30: The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

02.00: A book at bedtime.
The Koran. Again.

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don\'t know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I\'m here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don\'t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you\'ve thrown up all over yourself, my God you\'re disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It\'s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He\'d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn\'t hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee\'d in my trousers too".

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I\'m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you\'d allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I\'ll be all right...I\'ll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who\'s blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a Couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the Blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think You\'re going?"

(You\'re gonna love this...)

She said,






"I\'m going home too, I can\'t work in the dark!"

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!



Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won\'t miss a call from someone we didn\'t want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.



NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E; in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars. and finally... In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet. If you\'re proud to be British, send this on!

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That\'s nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor #31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store\'s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through to sixth floors have never been visited

Very funny:rollin:rollin:rollin:rollin

Kids Are Quick  
 
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:     Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS:     Maria.
____________________________________
 
TEACHE R: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:       You told me to do it without using tables.
__________ ________________________________

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell \'crocodile?\'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L\'
TEACHER:  No, that\'s wrong
GLENN:      Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it\'s H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn\'t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:     Well, I\'m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with \'I.\'
MILLIE:       I is..
TEACHER:   No, Millie..... Always say, \'I am.\'
MILLIE:       All right...  \'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.  
_________________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father\'s  cherry tree, but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn\'t punish him?
LOUIS:  Because George still had the axe in his hand.  
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don\'t have to, my Mom is a good cook.  
___________________________________________

TEACHER:  Clyde , your composition on \'My Dog\' is exactly the same as your brother\'s.   Did you copy his?
CLYDE :     No, sir.  It\'s the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:   A teacher.

Top Four Adult Jokes  
Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, \'Ma\'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you\'ll forgive me.\'
She replies, \'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I\'m in room 221.\'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife\'s arm.
The wife turns over and says \'I\'m sorry honey, I\'ve got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.\'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
\'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?\'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.  
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
\'What\'s wrong, Bill?\' she asked.
\'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?\'
\'Oh, Bill, you didn\'t\' she exclaimed. \'Yes, I did.\' he replied. \'My God, Bill, what happened?\'

\'I got fired.\' \'No,  Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?\'
\'Oh...she got fired too.\'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, \'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.\'
\'I know,\' the old man said.  \'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.\'
\'Well,\' Granny snickered.  \'Let\'s relive some old times.\'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
\'You know, honey,\' the little old lady breathlessly replied, \'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.\'
\'I wouldn\'t be surprised,\' replied Gramps.   \'One\'s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...



Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma\'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I\'d give it to you but I don\'t have one.

Officer: Don\'t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please .

Older Woman: I can\'t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma\'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma\'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma\'am, one of my officers told me you didn\'t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!


Don\'t Mess With Old Ladies

Quote from: prince_of_tokyo;497837I saw a tramp today wearing one shoe,

I asked him "hey mate, you lost a shoe?"

Tramp goes " nah mate, i found one"

is this ment to be a joke?! cos thinking about it.. it sounds more like a true story and sth a tramp in london would actually say :evillaugh

Quote from: RobMatthews;446320Below are four questions.
You have to answer them instantly. You can\'t take
your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


First Question:

You\'re participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in now?

Second Question:

IF you overtake the last person in the same race, then you are
.........?


Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic!

Note: This must be done in your head only, no calculator or pencil
and
paper. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add
another
1000.
Now add 20. Now add another 1000. And finally, add 10. What is the
total?


Fourth Question:

Mary\'s father has five daughters:


Nana, Nene, Nini, and Nono.

What is the name of the 5th daughter

All done, now check your answers







First Question Answer:
> > If you answered that you are now in first place, then you are
>absolutely
> > wrong!
> > If you overtook the second person then you took his place which is
>second!


Answer to Second Question:
> > If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again!
> > Please explain to me, how can you overtake the last person?


Answer to Third Question:
> >
> > Did you get 5000?
> > The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don\'t believe me, check
it
> > with a calculator.


Answer to Fourth Question:
> >
> > Did you answer Nunu?
> >
> > No! Of course it isn\'t. Her name is Mary. Read the question again

debatable...

question 1:
if u over take the 2nd person then u would be 2 places high.
ie. ur 5th. u over take the 1st person (that would be position 4) then the 2nd person u overtake is the one infront which is 3rd. so you would be in 3rd from 5th.

question 2:
u overtake the last person.
should depend on your definition of overtaking.
(overtake = to level with / draw even with / to catch up with)
the last person u can possible overtake is the person that is in 1st. once u overtake them then you are no 1 and have no one to level with or catch up with so further passings would not called overtake but passing again.

u can see how bored i am lol

ps i even read all the jokes on this thread!! the joys of being \'between contracts\'

What do you call a female police officer with a shaven haven?
 
  *untstubble

Quote from: DR SCHNITZEL;528160What do you call a female police officer with a shaven haven?
 
  *untstubble

The simple one liners are always the best!

Children\'s science exam answers.  
 

Q: Name the four seasons.  
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
 
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.  
A:  Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?  
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.  

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.  

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the  moon, because there  is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.  

Q: What are steroids?  
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
 
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A:  When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
   
Q: What happens to a boy when he  reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

 Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.  

 Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
 
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does \'varicose\' mean? (I do  love this one...)
A: Nearby.  

Q: Give the meaning of the  term \'Caesarean Section.\'
A: The Caesarean  Section is a district in Rome

Q: What  does the word \'benign\' mean?\'
A: Benign is what you will  be after you be eight.

 
 
 
TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:        Here it is.
TEACHER:   Correct. Now class, who discovered   America?
CLASS:        Maria.
____________________________________
 
TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
__________  ________________________________

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell \'crocodile?\'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L\'
TEACHER: No, that\'s wrong
GLENN:   Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H  I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it\'s H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn\'t have ten years ago.
WINNIE:  Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:       Well, I\'m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with \'I.\'
MILLIE:       I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, \'I am.\'
MILLIE:       All right...  \'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.    
_________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father\'s   cherry tree, but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn\'t punish him?
LOUIS:         Because George still had the axe in his hand.    
______________________________________

TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:    No sir, I don\'t have to, my Mom is a good cook.  

 ___________________________________

TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:    A teacher.

Join the Alzheimer\'s protest march!!!

Learn the chant now!!!



"What Do We Want?"

.
.
.
.
.


"Don\'t Know!"

.
.
.
.
.
.


"When Do We Want It?"

.
.
.
.
.
.

"Want What?"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor\'s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don\'t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don\'t say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter\'s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy\'s

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a  holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his  life. That is, until the ship sank!  

He found himself on an island with  no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After  about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman  he has ever seen rows up to the shore.  

In disbelief, he asks, \'Where did  you come from? How did you get here?\'  

She replies, \'I rowed from the  other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.\'  
\'Amazing,\' he notes. \'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with  you.\'  

\'Oh, this thing?\' explains the woman. \'I made the boat out of raw  materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.  I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a  Eucalyptus tree.\' &  
\'But, where did you get the tools?\'

\'Oh,  that was no problem,\' replied the woman. \'On the south side of the island, a  very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a  certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for  tools and used the tools to make the hardware.\'  

The guy is stunned.  

\'Let\'s row over to my place,\' she says.  

After a few minutes of  rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he  nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite  bungalow painted in blue and white.  

While the woman ties up the rowboat  with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As  they walk into the house, she says casually, \'It\'s not much but I call it home.  Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?\'  
\'No! No thank you,\' he blurts  out, still dazed. \'I can\'t take another drop of coconut juice.\'  

\'It\'s  not coconut juice,\' winks  the woman. \'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?\'  

Trying to  hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to  talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, \'I\'m going  to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and  shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom  
cabinet.\'  

No longer  questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a  razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground  edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.  

\'This woman  is amazing,\' he muses. \'What next?\'

When he returns, she greets him  wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of  gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

\'Tell me,\' she  begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, \'We\'ve been out here for many  months. You\'ve been lonely. There\'s something I\'m sure you’re really missing,  something you\'ve been longing for?\'  

She stares into his eyes...  

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

>

>

>

>

>

>

\'Bloody hell, don\'t tell me you\'ve got Sky Sports?\'

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
him \'Have you been in the service?.
\'Yes he says , I was in Iraq for 3 years.  The interviewer says,
\'That
will give you an extra point towards employment\' and then asks, \'Are
you

disabled in any way?.
The guy says, \'Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off\'.
The interviewer tells him, O.K. I can hire you right now.  The hours are

from 8:00AM to 4.00PM.
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM.
The guy looks puzzled and says \'If the hours are from 8.00AM to 4.00PM,
why do you want me to come in at 10.00AM\'?

\'This is a government job\', the interviewer says.

\'For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...
no point in you coming for that\'

one dark morning,
black as night,
she woke up so full of fright.
right behind her,
she could hear,
a noise which drenched her soul with fear.
with trembling hands, she switched the light,
her buttocks clenched extremely tight,
she turned and screamed for what she saw.....

was what she\'d shag*ed the night before

The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss\'s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.

4: If you\'ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate\'s fridge is forbidden..
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your mate\'s birthday is strictly optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy\'s
choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who\'s playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she\'s officially your
girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you\'re
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it\'s delivered by a topless model and
only when it\'s free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you\'re in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don\'t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man\'s fly is down, that\'s his problem, you didn\'t see anything.

15: Women who claim they \'love to watch sports\' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that\'s just greedy.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly \'just a friend\' have
carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you\'re feeling weird and guilty
is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question \'What do you want for Christmas?\'
with \'If you l oved me, you\'d know what I want!\' gets an Xbox 360 End of
story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men\'s Gymnastics.
Ever.

27: We\'ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

\'GUTS\' is arriving home late after a night out with the
guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the
guts to say, \'are you still cleaning or are you flying
somewhere?\'

\'BALLS\' is coming home late after a night out with the
guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say,
\'You\'re next fatty!\'

 Adam

A man was riding his Harley Davidson along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, \'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.\' The biker pulled over and said, \'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.\'

The Lord said, \'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.\'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, \'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she\'s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing\'s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

 
 
The Lord replied, \'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?\'

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.


NAZISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.


BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other,
and then throws the milk away...


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.


VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.


A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads,
because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called \'Cowkimon\'
and market it worldwide.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don\'t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.


A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.


A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both have mad cow disease.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the s**t out of you
and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of
Democracy........!!!!


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A WELSH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
__________________

sainsbury\'s have been warned that terrorists may have planted bombs in their own brand alphabet spagetti,police say if it goes off it could spell disaster. :flamed

this christmas we are going to get an amy winehouse christmas tree:














it comes with its own pot & drops needles everywhere

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater
Glasgow

 
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
 
3. Patient\'s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
 
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
 
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
 
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.
 
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
 
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
 
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.
 
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
 
12. She is numb from her toes down.
 
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
 
14. The skin was moist and dry.
 
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
 
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
 
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
 
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
she got a divorce.
 
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.
 
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
 
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
 
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
 
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
 
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
 
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
 
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
 
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
 
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of fuel and crashed.
 
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
 
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
 
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.
 
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
a stock broker instead.
 
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.

Quote from: Lisa;580129These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater
Glasgow

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

PMSL!!!! :rollin :rollin

Adam

two fish in a tank, one turns to the other says............








































you will love it...........
































i\'ll drive you man the guns   hahahahahahahahhahahahhahahaahahahahahaqahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaahahhahahhaaaahahhaahas yeah baby im on fire :Nono!

sorry nik da gReek & malice, jus can not stop laughing :Giggle:Giggle:Giggle
or is it just my bad sense of humour?!?!

http://www.mazdarotaryclub.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55431

A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job.

\'Do you have any sales experience?\' asked the manager.

\'Oh Aye; uff dunnabitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, ah\'eh barras anat, know?\', nodded the young weegie.

The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job. The young Scot\'s first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in. \'So...how many sales did you make today\'? He smiled at the boy.

The weegie said: \'Jist the wan\'.

The manager was immediately disappointed. \'Wh-a-a-t? Just one?
Harrods\'s sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for, anyway\'? £101, 237.64\' said the lad.
The Harrods manager choked. \'Blimey... One hundred and one thousand,
two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you sell him?\'

\'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gawin\' fishing, and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat.

We went down to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined
Power Cat... then he said he didn\'t think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki...\'.

The manager was now incredulous. \'Wait a minute; you mean to tell me....a
guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four?\'

\'Naw naw, big man... he came in tay buy a box of tampons furries
missus and Ah said........."Well pal, seein\' as how yer weekend\'s
f**ked, ye might as well go fishing..."\'.

I bought a new deoderant stick today....

It said take off top and push up bottom....

I\'m in casualty at the moment by by god do my farts smell sweet!

bugger lol

Class :Giggle

Q: how do you anoy lady ga ga?




A: poke her face
(i heard it on the radio so dunt blame me if its a poor joke.. made me laugh though =p )

bought a new toaster on saturday - took it back to comet sunday complained it wouldnt even do 2 rounds.
Salesman said what do you expect buying one from the hatton range !!!!!!!!!!!

walking back to car a supermarket last night saw hull city\'s manager phil brown carrying 5 bags of shopping so i asked if he could manage.he told me not to take the mickey.
hull turned down a 2 million pound shirt sponsorship from a pet food firm as they didnt think it appropriate to wear a shirt with winalot on

2 monkies in an airing cupboard.......................which one\'s in the army?














the one on the tank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject:--- Why men don\'t write advice columns!

 Dear Walter:

I hope you  can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn\'t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out, and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband\'s help.
 When I got home I couldn\'t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.  He\'d carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them any clothes had on, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair
for the past six months!

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don\'t feel I can get through to him anymore.

 Can you please help?

 Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila  C.

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short  distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none  of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump  itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float  chamber.

I hope this helps.
Walter

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION


Q: I\'ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that\'s it.   Don\'t
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that\'s like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.

   _____
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

   _____
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

   _____
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

   _____
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can\'t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

   _____
Q: Aren\'t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU\'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they\'re permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

   _____
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

   _____
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It\'s the
best feel-good food around!

   _____
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

   _____
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! \'Round\' is a shape!

   _____
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other
- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO, What a Ride

The population of this country is approximately
60 million.

32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work.

There are 17 million in school or at Universities..

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK
government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan .

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work..

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work
for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sat at your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope all on my own?

Subject:  Brown and Darling in Middle England

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said,  
\'Alastair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back  
Middle England, even though we are Scottish\'.
  \'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?\' said Darling.

  \'Well\' said Brown \'we\'ll get ourselves two of those long Barbour  
coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a Labrador. Then  
we\'ll really look the part. We\'ll go to a nice old country pub if there  
is still one open in Much Something or other, & we\'ll show we really  
enjoy the  countryside,......oh & remember not to mention the hunting  
with dogs Act or the No Smoking Ban!\'
 \'Right PM\' said Darling.

  So a few days later, all kitted out & with the requisite Labrador at  
heel, they set off from London. Eventually they arrived at just the  
place they were looking for & found a lovely country pub &, with the  
dog, went in & up to the bar.

  \'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood  
please\' said Brown.
  \'Good evening Prime Minister\' said the landlord, \'two pints of best it  
is, coming up\'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,  
nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay  
quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how  
heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not  
paying the council tax, how the pub trade had almost died because of the  
smoking ban etc.

  All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a  
grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador  
lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked  
back to the other bar.
  A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same  
procedure. To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages &  
gender followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it  
any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

  \'Tell me\' said Darling, \'Why did all those people come in & look under  
the dog\'s tail like that? Is it an old Custom?




 




















  \'Good Lord no,\' said the landlord. \'It\'s just that someone has told  
them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two A$$holes\'

nice 1 Brett

The Barber -

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, \'I cannot accept money from you. I\'m doing community service this week.\' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a \'thank you\' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, \'I cannot accept money from you. I\'m doing community service this week.\' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a \'thank you\' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, \'I cannot accept money from you, I\'m doing community service this week.\' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a \'thank you\' card and a dozen different books, such as \'How to Improve Your Business\' and \'Becoming More Successful.\'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, \'I cannot accept money from you. I\'m doing community service this week.\' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

LOL! Brett! :D

Quote from: Ada7;608854The Barber

Funny and sad at the same time. (Like a grandma falling down a fly of steps) :flamed

Quote from: Shiuko;609029Funny and sad at the same time. (Like a grandma falling down a fly of steps) :flamed

i lol\'ed at that.

> THE HORTH WHITHPERER
>
> If you don\'t laugh out loud at this, you\'re just not trying.!!
>
> A bloke calls his mate, at the local stables, and says he\'s
> sending a friend over to look at a horse.
>
> His mate asks, \'How will I recognise him? \'
>
> \'That\'s easy; he\'s a midget with a speech impediment.\'
>
> So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he\'s
> looking for a Male or female horse.
>
> \'A female horth.\' So he shows him a prized filly.
>
> \'Nith lookin horth.. Can I thee her eyeth\'?
>
> So the stable manager picks up the midget and he gives
> the horse\'s eyes the once over.
>
> \'Nith eyeth, Can I thee her earzth\'?
>
> So he picks the little chap up again, and shows him
> the horse\'s ears.
>
> \'Nith earzth, Can I see her mouf\'?
>
> The stable manager is getting pretty ticked off by
> this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the
> horse\'s mouth.
>
> \'Nice mouf, Can I see her twot\'?
>
> Totally mad as fire at this point, the stable manager grabs
> him under his arms and sticks the midget\'s head as far as
> he can up the horse\'s fanny, pulls him out and plops him
> on the ground.
>
> The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
>
> \'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
>
> Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit\'?

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Audrey were sitting on
a park bench having a conversation, when a flasher approached from across
the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them,
and to their shock and dismay, opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Audrey, being older and a bit more feeble, couldn\'t reach that far.

this is not a joke but funny.

did you know that \'fcuk you\' and \'vacuum\' have the same lip movements.
wonder what happens if u say that to a lip reader :rollin

did u know, if u say \'gullible\' slowly, it sounds like \'green bear.\'

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the crocodile.”

Made me laugh:rollin

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, \'What\'s on TV?\'
I said, \'Dust.\'
And that\'s when the fight started....
..........................................

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn\'t even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I\'d like to phone a friend."
And that\'s when the fight started....
........................................

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven\'t been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that\'s when the fight started....
..........................................

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up
to my wife\'s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, \'The weather out there is terrible.\'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, \'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?\'
And that\'s when the fight started....
.......................................

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o\'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The
woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man \'Holy Crap..That must be my husband!\'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to
his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up
to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, \'I AM your husband!\'
The woman yelled back, \'Yeah, then why were you running?\'
And that\'s when the fight started...
..........................................  
I tried to  talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream..
And that\'s when the fight started....
.......................................
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, \'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.\'
The husband replies, \' You r eyesight\'s damn near perfect.\'
And that\'s when the fight started....
........................................
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. "I\'ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren\'t you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself." And that\'s when the fight started....
........................................
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, \'Do you know her?\' \'Yes,\' I sighed, \'She\'s my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn\'t been sober since.\' \'My God!\' said my wife, \'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?\'
And that\'s when the fight started....
.........................................................................

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that\'s when the fight started....
....................................
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, \'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a bathroom scales.
And that\'s when the fight started....
.....................................
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift. The next year, he didn\'t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven\'t used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that\'s how the fight started.....

absolute genius...just told my missus a few of them and she approved lol

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I\'m fantastic in bed."
That\'s Direct Marketing.

You\'re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He\'s fantastic in bed."
That\'s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I\'m fantastic in bed."
That\'s Telemarketing.

You\'re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I\'m fantastic in bed."
That\'s Public Relations.

You\'re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you\'re fantastic in bed."
That\'s Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I\'m rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice Hard slap on your face.
That\'s Customer Feedback.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she Introduces you to her husband.
That\'s Demand and supply gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" she turns her face towards you---- she is your wife!
That\'s competition eating into your market share.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!” your wife arrives. -
That’s restriction for entering new markets.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say i heard your good in bed ,but i would like to sleep with your friends first .
That\'s pyramid marketing.

You see this gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and take her in your arms and whisper in her ear i hear your good in bed.
That\'s feeling out the competition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her ask her if she would like a drink, take her out for dinner and some dancing..
That\'s building repour with your potential customer.

You see this gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her ask her if shes looking for a guy who is rich, good in bed and wants to get married. Upon her replying yes you turn around and walk away.
That\'s how you keep your business from going bankrupt

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, \'What\'s a seven-hundred-ten knob?\'

She replied, \'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.\' She said she didn\'t know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its bonnet up and asked \'is there a 710 on this car?\'

She pointed and said, \'Of course, it\'s right there.\'
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[ATTACH]45594[/ATTACH]

The 1st Affair  
 
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.  

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.  

He put on his shoes and drove home.

\'Where have you been?\' his wife demanded.

\'I can\'t lie to you,\' he replied,

\'I\'m having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.\'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

\'You lying .......!
You\'ve been playing golf!\'  

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.  

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery  
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: \'There\'s no way I can
be the father of this baby.  
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?\'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
\'No, not this time!\'  


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,  
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

\'I\'m sorry Mr. Schwartz,\' the mortician
commented, \'I can\'t allow you to be cremated  
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.\'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.  

\'I have something to show
you won\'t believe,\' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

\'My God!\' the wife exclaimed,
\'Schwartz is dead!\'  


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband  
opening the front door.

\'Hurry,\' she said, \'stand in the corner.\'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

\'Don\'t move until I tell you,\'  
she said. \'Pretend you\'re a statue.\'

\'What\'s this?\' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

\'Oh it\'s a statue,\' she replied.
\'The Smiths bought one and I liked it  
so I got one for us, too.\'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned  
with a sandwich and a beer.

\'Here,\' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.\'  


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

\'Certainly, Sir, that\'ll be one cent.\'

\'One Cent?\' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
\'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?\'

\'A nickel,\' the barman replied.  

\'A nickel?\' exclaimed the man.
\'Where\'s the guy who owns this place?\'

The bartender replied:
\'Upstairs, with my wife.\'

The man asked: \'What\'s he doing upstairs  
with your wife?\'

The bartender replied:
\'The same thing I\'m doing
to his business down here.\'
 

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
\'I have something I must confess.\'
\'There\'s no need to, \'his wife replied.
\'No,\' he insisted,
\'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!\'
\'I know,\' she replied.
\'Now just rest and let the poison work.\'

Adam

1. I can see your point, but I still think you\'re full of crap.

2. I don\'t know what your problem is, but I\'ll bet it\'s hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you\'ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I\'m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I\'m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don\'t work here. I\'m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can\'t understand a word you\'re saying.

10 Ahhhh. I see the ....-up fairy has visited us again.

11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don\'t give a toss.

14 I\'m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16 Thank you. We\'re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17 The fact that no one understands you doesn\'t mean you\'re an artist.

18 Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20 I\'m not being rude. You\'re just insignificant.

21 It\'s a thankless job, but I\'ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23 And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24 Do I look like a people person to you?

25 This isn\'t an office. It\'s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28 If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31 Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33 Can I swap this job for what\'s behind door  .........1?

34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37 How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39 I\'ll try being nicer if you\'ll try being more intelligent.

40 Wait a minute - I\'m trying to imagine you with a personality.

41 Aren\'t you a black hole of need?

42 I\'d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44 Why don\'t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

46 I\'m too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47 Don\'t let your mind wander, it\'s too small to be let out on its own.

48 Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49 You\'re not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50 You are as pretty as a picture, I\'d really like to hang you.

51 Don\'t believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That\'s the sound of no-one caring.

^^^^^ some good ones there Brett! Have managed to use a couple in the past too! ;)

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction  site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, \'You\'re in charge of sweeping.\'
To the Scotsman he says, \'You\'re in charge of shoveling.\'
And to the Chinese guy, \'You\'re in charge of supplies.\'

He then says, \'Now, I have to leave for a little while. \'I expect you men to  make a dent in that pile of sand.\'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, \'Why didn\'t you sweep any of it?\'

The Italian replies, \'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella  that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.\'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says \'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.\'

The Scotsman replies, \'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th\' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin\' him neither.\'

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

\'SUPPLIES!!!!\'

Adam

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?
 At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
 At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
 At 28 - You don\'t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
 At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that\'ll be a story!!
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while Saint Peter leafs through his Big Book. He\'s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can\'t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you\'re in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin\' down a duel carriage way and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that\'s what they were doing. There were about 50 of them attacking this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a jack handle from my car boot and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader\'s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the jack handle. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, \'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you low life b*****ds! You\'re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I f*****g teach you all a lesson in pain!\'" St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?" "Er.. about two minutes ago."
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple decide to go for a meal at their local Chinese restaurant to celebrate their anniversary. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef\'\'s special chicken suprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the woman is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. \'\'Jesus, did you see that?\'\' she asks her boyfriend. He hasn\'\'t so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation. \'\'Well sir\'\', says the waiter, \'\'What did you order?\'\' \'\'We both chose the same\'\', he replies, \'\'the chicken suprise\'\' \'\'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault\'\' says the waiter..... \'\'I\'\'ve brought you the Peking duck\'\'
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Walked past a Tramp earlier. He asked me, "Any change?" I said Nah mate. Still got the Big House and the RX7, but thank\'s for asking...

Quote from: Ian65;667501Walked past a Tramp earlier. He asked me, "Any change?" I said Nah mate. Still got the Big House and the RX7, but thank\'s for asking...

Excellent :rollin, I like silly humor :3gears-lh

English Signs from Around the World  
(Really does make you wonder where they got their translators doesn\'t it)

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

....tail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel\'s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL ....TAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany \'s Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A Yorkshire lass

The first man married a woman from  Essex.  He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning..  It took a couple of days, but on
the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put
away.

The second man married a woman from Sussex.  He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he didn\'t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a
huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a lass from Yorkshire .  He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table
for every meal. He said the first day he didn\'t see anything, the second day
he didn\'t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed
enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

^--- LMAO!!!! :Giggle

Some classics in here, The man rules are getting framed and put up in the lounge !

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs105.snc3/15303_1424318053591_1401934333_1141641_6479349_n.jpg)

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs105.snc3/15303_1424318093592_1401934333_1141642_4801964_n.jpg)

Greetings from Italy... :D :D :D

stile from another forum

http://gizmodo.com/5069422/the-muppets-animal-caught-speeding-driving-police-crazy

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them \'Itsa illegal to putta five people ina Quattro\'. \'\'What do you mean its illegal?\'\' asked the Englishman. \'Quattro meansa four\' replys the Italian official. \'\'Quattro is just the name of the vehicle\'\' the Englishman says disbelievingly. \'\'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry 5 persons\'\'. \'You canta pull thata one ona me\' replies the Italian customs agent. \'Quattro meansa four, you hava fiva people ina your car and therefore breaking the law\'. The Englishman replies angrily, \'\'You idiot! Call your supervisor over we want to speak with someone more intelligent\'\'. \'Sorry\' responds the Italian official, \'He canta come, he\'s a busy with two guys in a Uno\'.

This is not a joke but is funny.
True story, or in this case, electronic mail.

- - - - - - - -
Hi,
 
Please assist:
 
Name of Advisor: J******* ***
 
1.             Content Queries (Issue /Article /Figure /Faulty Link /Author Name Error /Other Error)
 
2.             Date of Query:  29 June 2010
 
3.             Missing Content Code: Typo error
 
4.             Journal Title: Hypatia (HYPA)
 
5.             Volume: 18 (2003)
 
6.             Issue: 2
 
7.             Page Numbers: 103 - 113
 
8.             Problem: Typo Error in Article title
                               It is currently reflected as "Phenomenology, Porno Baskets, and the Work of Mabel McKay" at
                               http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/121574089/abstract
                               It should be "Phenomenology, Pomo Baskets, and the Work of Mabel McKay" which is correct as of
                               http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/cgi-bin/fulltext/121574089/PDFSTART
 
 
Thanks
 
rgds
- - - - - - - -

whats a porno basket? basket of porn? sounds fun :Giggle

Of course you all know this one:-

Whats the difference between a tea bag and the England team

A tea bag spends longer in a cup

Quote from: exige;702131Of course you all know this one:-

Whats the difference between a tea bag and the England team

A tea bag spends longer in a cup

tea bag is AWESOME!!!!
google it and see what comes up lol

[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']A                    plane is on its way to Cape Town when a blonde in  Economy                    Class gets up and moves to the First Class and sits                    down.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

                                                         



                                                         [FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']The                     flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see  her                    ticket [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

                                                                           


                                                         [FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']She                     then tells the blonde passenger that she\'s paid for  Economy                    and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The                     blonde replies "I\'m blonde, I\'m beautiful, I\'m going  to Cape                    Town and I\'m staying right here!"[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

                                      [FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The                     flight attendant goes into the ....pit and tells the  pilot and                    co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in  First                    Class that belongs in Economy and won\'t move back to  her                    seat.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

                                      [FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The                     co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain  that                    because she only paid for economy she is only entitled  to an                    economy seat and she will have to leave and return to  her                    original seat.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

                                      [FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The                     blonde replies, "I\'m blonde, I\'m beautiful, I\'m going  to Cape                    Town and I\'m staying right here!"[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

                                      [FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
Exasperated                     the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and  that he                    probably should have the police waiting when they land  to                    arrest this blonde woman that won\'t listen to                    reason.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

                                      [FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The                     pilot says, "You say she\'s blonde? I\'ll handle this,  I\'m                    married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

                                      [FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
He                     goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she  says                    "Oh, I\'m sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back  to her                    seat in the economy section.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

                                      [FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The                     flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him  what he                    said to make her move without any fuss.[/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

                                      [FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\']
The                    Pilot replied  "I told her First Class isn\'t going to                    Cape Town "

:p lol not great! but hey its the silly joke thread, only read the last few jokes pmsl at the [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]basket of porn[FONT=\'Comic Sans MS\'] and the signs from around the world aswell as some other belters! :Giggle
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